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Google Auto-Complete Answers: Why Are Texans...

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Like most people who use the monolithic search engine, I find it funny when Google tries to auto-complete our search requests, but I don't always pay attention. Let's face it, Google's system is so damn fast, I barely even noticed when "where can I find" added "tranny hookers" to the end of the search. After all, I was just looking for "my keys." Ahem.

So, I gave the Google auto-complete a chance to finish the sentence "Why are Texans" and it brought about some interesting responses. We here in Texas are pretty damn proud of our state and ourselves. Apparently, a lot of people have noticed and they are confused. I'd like to help clear things up for them.

Why are Texans so proud to be from Texas?

Two entries on this one means people really want to know and clearly have not been here or they wouldn't bother asking. We're proud because Texas kicks ass. Next question.

Why are Texans so arrogant?

I think you might be mistaking arrogance for pride, unless you are talking about people from Dallas and then we can't help you.

Why are Texans stupid?

Another two responses for this one and we admit there are some pretty dumb people in our state like our criminals, though they aren't as dumb as ones from Florida apparently. We do everything big here, including stupid.

Why are Texans so fat?

One word: barbecue. If you ate what we ate every day, you'd be fat as a pig on a spit and happy as a tornado in a trailer park and you wouldn't find any of these colloquialisms as useless as tits on a boar.

Why are Texans so racist?

The whole of Texas isn't racist, but we have our fair share. Certainly, places deep in east Texas might cause some to wait for Louisiana to take a bathroom break on a road trip. But Houston is one of the most diverse cities in the country and Austin is chock full of hippies and hipsters and we mostly leave them alone.

Why are Texans retarded?

According to a report from the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Agency, in 2011, Texas was in the lower half of states when it came to mental illness with Idaho, Utah and Rhode Island taking top honors for most depressed. Of course, we do rank dead last in mental health spending, but when you're so freaking healthy...

Why are Texans so rude?

See "Why are Texans so arrogant?"

Why are Texans so?

Sweet existentialism, the answer is...because. You're welcome.

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