And now HouStoned Theatre presents a Jorge Luis Borges-inspired conversation between Keith Plocek, staff writer for the Houston Press, and Keith Plocek, student at the University of Texas at Austin, circa 1998.
Old Keith: So did you hear about the news?
Young Keith: Whoa. How’d you get here, man?
OK: I thumped myself on the back.
YK: Crazy. So which one is the real me? I mean, who am I really? Who is anyone?
OK: Slow down, buddy. I’m here to talk about the news. Apparently UT-Austin was voted the best party school in the nation in a Princeton Review survey of 115,000 students.
YK: But how can it be news if it hasn’t even happened yet?
OK: Look, I know there’s nothing I can do to stop you, but I’m gonna say it anyway: That philosophy degree you’re so pysched about? Total waste of time.
YK: You don’t know me, man.
OK: Um, right. So what’s it like to attend the best party school in the nation?
YK: It’s all right, I guess. I mean, it’s totally easy to score booze, not to mention other substances. You ever been to Eeyore’s Birthday, man? It’s a total trip.
OK: Are you even paying attention to what’s going on here?
YK: Don’t be such a buzz-kill, man.
OK: Okay, back to the question: How’s it feel to attend the number one party school in the nation?
YK: I don’t know what you mean.
OK: Are you high?
YK: Now who’s the one not paying attention?
OK: Oh, stupid question, I guess. Anyway, so what’s it like? Are there parties everywhere?
YK: It’s beautiful, man. Look at all the pretty colors. I feel one with the universe. I can see sounds.
OK: Um, okay… I guess this wasn’t such a good idea after all. I mean, you’re not even making sense.
YK: You don’t know me, man.
OK: There you go again. That must be my cue to exit. But one more thing before I leave: After you graduate and go backpacking through Central America, be sure to keep your dad’s camera locked up. That’s all I’m saying.
YK: Peace, dude.
OK: Later.
This article appears in Aug 17-23, 2006.
