And now HouStoned Theatre presents an interpretation of what exactly went down when DPS troopers pulled over an alleged drunk driver last night and were informed of the location of an alleged cockfighting ring.
Officer: License and insurance, please.
Driver: Yezzur, Ocifer.
Officer: You been drinking tonight?
Driver: Um, nozzur.
Officer: You sure about that? Your speech seems pretty slurred.
Driver: Naw, man, I wuz just, um, coming back from a meth lab.
Officer: Excuse me?
Driver: Oh, I mean, I’m not drunk. I’m just dwiving back from vizziting a prostitute.
Officer: A prostitute? Sir, you realize prostitution is a crime.
Driver: Izit? My bad. I meant a haveway house for iwegal immigrants.
Officer: Illegal immigrants? I assume you know that’s illegal as well. You sure you haven’t been drinking?
Driver: Okay, okay, actually, I’m driving my wife to the hozpital. She’s pregnant.
Officer: Sir, you’re the only one here.
Driver: A cock fight?
Officer: Step out of the car, please.
This article appears in Mar 8-14, 2007.
