How To Become Famous on the Internet in 5 Easy Steps

As evidenced by both the Art Crawl and Via Colori this weekend, there's a teeny, Joe Francis-penis-sized attention whore that lurks shamelessly inside almost each and every one of you, whether you care to acknowledge its loving inhabitation of your soul or not.

But wine/cheese/warehouse-enabled extroversion and sidewalk chalk shenanigans aren't for everyone, and they don't have to be. Conversely, some of you prefer to peer out from behind the digital veil for your glory, and you seek to harness your celebrity ambitions in the digital world. And in the great, vast domain of the Internet, there's a fine line that separates the inferior from the illustrious.

Cyberspace superiority, incidentally, is so much more than fifteen minutes of fame, don't you see? It's notoriety and adoration that's indexed by Google for all eternity! It's like Dune, only funner! 'Cept there's no one with designs on your spice production. You's bringin' all the heat, yo.

The truly magical thing about the Internet is that everyone has a chance to be a virtual superstar. That's right, even you, shaggy homegirl in dire need of a bikini wax. But you'd better make damn sure you do it right the first time. If you zig instead of zag, you may end up ridden hard and put away wet - LAN-ed, bam-ed, and thank you ma'am-ed.

How do you become internet famous? Follow these five easy steps!

Your business is everyone's business. Listen, it's a proven fact by someone's standards that humans are voyeurs by nature. So, let the masses peek inside your ungodly fascinating little life. Did you use depilatory on your armpits today and get a rancid skin rash as a result? Tweet about it. Is your boyfriend always trying, to no avail, to see his anal sphincter by the light of day? Chronicle that shit via a blog post, and maybe even pepper in a video or two. You owe it to the adoring masses to share, share, and share some more, dammit.

Be an accident scene. So you wanna be Internet awesome, yeah? Then you must commit yourself to being insufferably, incurably annoying. Your antics of stupidity are like a train wreck or a car crash, and people simply cannot - nay, they will not - look away. You're not above that, are you? Of course you aren't! Not in the name of fame, anyway. Cry, throw a hissy fit, chew on your toenails, open yourself up to endless criticism due to your inability to cease being irritating. And guess what? You're well on your way, sister.

Omnipotence is bliss. Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, MySpace, YouTube? Check, check, check, check, check! YES. BE EVERYWHERE. DO EVERYTHING. Or, if you still have a day job (never fear, you won't need it for much longer), do one or a few, and do 'em well. Become the dominator of the tool you choose, and metastasize.

Toot your own horn. Loudly and often. It is imperative that you pat yourself on your own back. Self-congratulations are encouraging, and go a long way! 'Cause if you don't congratulate you, who will? NOBODY! You are your own biggest fan, dontcha know? So recognize, celebrate, and promote you and your amazing achievements - no matter what they are or aren't - as often and as visibly as possible.

Show some skin. If all else fails, take it off. Being talentless and brainless does not kill your chances for cyber stardom, as long as you compliment them with going braless or pantsless, too. Even if you don't have a nice rack or a huge rooster, flesh is flesh is flesh. And no jump is too high for that pie in the cyber sky.

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Fayza Elmostehi
Contact: Fayza Elmostehi