On Friday, Jews all over the world will light the first of eight nights’ worth of candles in honor of Hanukkah, a holiday no one (including The Chosen People) knows how to spell. Two weeks later, the goyim will whoop it up over the birth of God’s son in a stinky barn. The day after that, some folks will celebrate Kwanzaa by doing Kwanzaa-esque things, and the Canadians will box each other.
But while we’re getting ready to make merry with friends and family, we should pause and consider another group who is celebrating an important day this time of year. We’re talking of course about Satanists, who will observe the winter solstice December 22. And as any Satanist worth his or her salt will tell you, the Horned-and-Hooved One isn’t really happy without a good animal sacrifice (in case no virgin humans are on hand).
Which is why Hair Balls has checked out the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care for dogs and cats we’re sure will appease Lucifer like no one’s business. Make sure you snatch one of these offerings up so you get a special mention in The Book of Evil. All Hail Satan!
Rosa, A1010102
This 7-month-old German shepherd would make an excellent sacrifice for this year’s solstice. Substantial enough in size, these types of dogs won’t burn out too quickly, like Chihuahas or any teacup breed. You’ll want to of course draw a pentagram on her side in cow’s blood to get the most out of your sacrifice to the Lord of the Flies. (Cow’s blood sold separately).
Sebastian, A1009545
We know the Enemy will be happy with the sacrifice of this year-old border terrier. As you may already know, as a child, Satan had a cross-eyed border terrier named Mick. Satan promised his parents that he’d be a good demon and walk and feed Mick regularly, but before long, it proved too much for Satan, and he just let Mick run around Hell all day unattended. Sure enough, Mick was hit by a car. And then eaten by a serpent. Satan cried for days, but his parents never allowed him to have another dog again. Only a gerbil.
Jasper, A1009814
The Father of Lies has been able to enjoy feline sacrifices ever since Dr. Mengele wrote him that Zyrtek prescription. This two-month old female calico was surrendered by her owner, so she’s clearly not wanted on Earth. (Remember: as with any calico, you’ll want to first brand her with the Mark of the Beast before the actual sacrifice; calicos just can’t catch without it).
Timothy, A1009251
At four years old, Timothy might be older than your usual animal sacrifice, but this domestic shorthair can show that burnt offerings ain’t just a young cat’s game. Please give Timothy the opportunity that he can be pinned to a pentagram and lit aflame to praise the Prince of Darkness like any cocky kitten out there.
Pat, Sam, and Robin, A1009685, -686, -687
What’s better than sacrificing one animal to Satan? Sacrificing three at the same time — HELLO! This abandoned trio makes the perfect demonic gift — whether you throw ’em on the pyre one at a time or all at once, Lucifer will know you went the extra mile to see that he had an especially hellish solstice this year. Who knows — you may just wake up in the morning to find a shiny new pitchfork under your pillow!
Thanks as always to Robyn Arouty for her absolutely stunning photography. (Arouty, by the way, never has any idea how these columns are going to go, so don’t blame her for any of this Satan stuff….)
And also, PetSmart gift cards are still available for the first six folks to adopt any of these Hair Balls critters — get to it, yo!
SPECIAL NOTE: Can’t adopt right now, but still want to help some furry friends this holiday season? Pet Paradise, a sort of pet boarding/spa/fancy-pants getaway, is co-sponsoring the first annual Food for Paws food drive Saturday at all Houston-area Whole Foods locations. You can drop off food and supplies from 12-4 that Saturday, but you can also donate at any Pet Paradise location through December 19. (Whole Foods and Rescue Bank, one of the largest pet-food banks in the country, are the other sponsors).
To sweeten the pot, Pet Paradise is offering a free night of boarding to folks who donate a minimum of a 20-pound bag of dog food, and a free day of daycare to people who buy and donate pet food from Whole Foods during the December 12 food drive. Pretty cool deal — you get to help hungry critters, plus do something sweet for your four-legged family member. Get crackin’!
This article appears in Dec 3-9, 2009.
