Did y’all vote Tuesday? Hair Balls did — twice! We take elections very seriously, especially when they involve such a colorful cast of characters. Our only disappointment is that animals can’t vote, and they can’t run for public office.
Truly, there has been more than one occasion over the past few years where we’ve been pretty sure our elderly pitbull mix could have administered more gubernatorially sound socio-economic policy. And ideally, we’d love to at least have the chance to vote for a chimpanzee, because we’d like to see them wear either a diaper or a tuxedo at press conferences.
The following list of Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care residents were hoping 2010 was the year they’d make the ballot, but such was not the case. We thought we’d at least throw ’em a bone (or a ball of yarn) and let them explain their platforms anyway. (Thanks as usual to photographer Robyn Arouty for her kick-ass work!)
BILL A1007223
Party: Pit bull mix
Background: One-year-old stray
“As this great state’s first neutered governor since Francis R. Lubbock, I would do my best to not just maintain, but improve Texas’s economic vitality. I would also seek to improve social services for seniors and the mentally ill, while at the same time seeking a state-wide increase in law enforcement salaries. I would also make every Friday Chase-Your-Own-Tail Day, so I don’t feel so self-conscious.”
BISCOTTI A0999795
Party: Pit bull mix
Background: Two-year-old stray; spayed
“Texas needs change. We need a break from the partisan politics and
cronyism of the past, and as governor, I plan to usher in a new age of
cooperation between the executive and legislative branches. I also plan
to spend a great deal of time pooping on the front lawn.”
RAMBO A1014869
Party: Corgi/German shepherd mix
Background: Two years old; low heartworm positive; owner surrendered because of “no time.”
“If you want politics as usual, go ahead and elect any of the other
candidates. But if you want someone to move into Austin and shake
things up, then you’ve found your dog. As an amazingly cute dog who was
abandoned by his owner, I understand the toll douchiness takes on
families in this state, and, as governor, I will do everything in my
power to bring douches to justice.”
NU-NU A1016432
Party: Chihuaha
Background: Seven years old; neutered; owner surrendered because of a new baby
“With age comes wisdom, and I’ve got that in spades. My opponents
are full of fresh, promising ideas, but when push comes to shove, they
just don’t have the experience to see these ideas through. And I’d just
like to add one more thing: You got rid of me because of a freakin’
baby? Seriously? Ummm, when you got me, did you not understand basic
human biology? Did you not understand that one day you might produce
another human being? You could’ve at least planned ahead and made plans
for a friend or relative to take me in, rather than just leave me in
freakin’ Dogchau. I just pray that your baby won’t grow up to be a dick
as well.”
GI A1015591
Party: German shepherd
Background: One year old; owner surrendered because of cost
“My fellow Texans, if anyone understands these dire economic times,
it is me. My family had to give me up because they couldn’t afford me,
and in fact had to sell their kidneys in Mexico for crack money. It’s a
downright shame. No one should be forced into such extremes, even if
they do come from a long line of snaggle-toothed lot
lizards and prison-inked mouth-breathers. A vote for GI is a vote
for economic revitalization. Basically what I’m saying is: vote for me,
and I’ll give you a dollar.”
GRACIE/ROB A1016980/A1016982
Parties: Austin terriers
Backgrounds: One is possibly pregnant; both are a year old; one is neutered (we’re guessing that’s Rob).
“Why vote for just one guv when you can have two? Yes, we’re
married, and yes, we believe that marriage should be between a man and
a woman. Especially if the man knocks up the woman, and regardless of
whether they’ve completed high school. We sometimes hear that people
get married because they love each other, but really, what kind of
reason is that? Bottom line is, one needs a penis, the other needs a
vagina. There you go. Now you’ve got a marriage!”
DREW A1013305
Party: Feline
Background: Seven months old, stray
“If there’s one thing we don’t need in Austin, it’s a dog.
Personally, I don’t want to be governed by a creature who greets
everyone by sticking his head in their crotch. Just imagine how awkward
that would be at major political functions. No, what Texas needs is a
cat — a smart, independent being with enough sense to not drool, chase
their tail, chew furniture, or — wait! What’s that string doing here?
Why is it wiggling all around in the air like that? I must grab it!”
SUGAR A1013527
Party: Feline
Background: Eight months old, stray
“Let’s face it: I’m freakin’ adorable. Who wouldn’t want an adorable
governor? I’m not really into state politics or anything. I don’t know
what Medicaid is, and I’m not sure I could find Austin on a map. But I
hear governors get all kinds of perks, like free travel and friendship
with The Nuge. I want in.”
This article appears in Feb 25 – Mar 3, 2010.
