Ah, April 14 — the last day before taxes are due. If you listen closely, you can hear the frantic panic of folks who waited until the last minute to file. And this tax season was especially rough, what with the Obama administration’s new mandate that even domestic animals have to pay taxes. Does this foreign-born president’s lust for communism know no bounds?! If you are one of the lucky folks who’ve already filed and who have a firm command of the tax code, maybe you can help these adoptable Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care critters file their forms in the nick of time. And then you can take one of ’em home with you!
BENTLEY A1002082
Poor Bentley: first, this handsome, year-old keeshond mix was surrendered by his owner. Then, some incompetent accountant told him that dogs who get neutered can write off their testicles as a deduction. Talk about adding insult to injury. Now he needs to start all over again, and Bentley has absolutely tons of receipt-filled shoeboxes to go through. What this guy needs is a dedicated CPA, and an owner of the non-douche persuasion, as he’s already experienced that.
MAX A1019979
This year-old Tibetan terrier mix was on the way to the mailbox with
his 1040-EZ when his hick inbred owner grabbed him, threw him in the
Ranchero (with flames on the hood) and dropped him off at BARC. Before
Tweedle-Dum drove off to tell his parole officer how he’s totally been
staying at least 1,000 feet from elementary schools, he wrote down his
reason for surrendering Max as “other pet.” So basically, Max may get
the needle because his troglodyte owner couldn’t count. His taxes are
already done, but, sadly, he may soon be done as well. (Just as an
aside: look at those eyes and that tongue! This is one of the coolest
dogs we’ve ever seen).
TRACI A1015644
This absolutely adorable year-old dalmation mix came to BARC as a
pregnant stray, but she’s since been neutered. The problem is, she now
has a bunch of dependents to list on her taxes. And can she include the
ones who have been adopted? What if an inspector comes by to count all
her children, and she can’t find them? What’s a single mother to do?
Please take this gorgeous dog, and her 1040, into your home.
PEACHES A1015548
You know what’s awesome? Peaches. You know what’s not awesome?
Getting audited. And that’s just what happened to this year-old Boston
terrier mix last year, after her salary skyrocketed and the IRS grew
suspicious. There was an innocent explanation — she advanced
practically overnight from waitress to regional manager; the
fastest-rising dog in Chili’s history — but it was still a traumatic
experience. Please help her make sure she never has to go through
anything like that again. Oh, and please help her not die.
ROCKY A1019835
Because he’s only four months old, Rocky didn’t have to file this
year, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t work. This enterprising stray
rottweiller supported himself a number of ways, including stints as a
stevedore and Department of Defense contractor. Confucius once said
“Person with rottweiler very happy person.” And when that dude wasn’t on
a fortified wine bender, he was super-intelligent. Stop by and see
Rocky today.
DOMINO A1014064
We’ve always been partial to animals named after Van Morrison songs;
we fondly recall an airedale named Saint Dominic’s Preview and a
beautiful Siamese named T.B. Sheets. But those critters never had to
worry about taxes. And let’s face it: This six-month-old stray is way
too busy staring knowingly into the distance to worry about such trivial
matters as FICA withholdings and gross wages earned. Please take
Domino home with you and file her taxes, so she can continue the
full-time job of being kick-ass.
LEXIE A1018321
Just to clarify, the one up for adoption is the cat in the
foreground, not the bespectacled human behind her. An 8-month-old stray,
Lexie has been in a debate with the IRS for the past few months over
whether she should be allowed to claim her astoundingly long and
thick whiskers as dependents. We are firmly on Lexie’s side, if just for
those bitchin’ eye-whiskers. This is one cat that absolutely demands
snuggling. Don’t disobey.
And here are three others who totally need you to open your heart and
home:
VELVET A1014804
STAN A1017736
HOLLY A1014640
Thanks as always to our intrepid photographer Robyn Arouty, who has a
kick-ass new website you can visit here. And remember
— PetSmart gift cards are still available, so hop to it.
This article appears in Menu of Menus 2010.
