Miss Pop Rocks: Questions I Have About The Hills

Let me get real and admit I watch The Hills on MTV. And let me admit there are a lot of questions I have about this clique of overprivilged twentysomethings trolling around Hollywood going to places like Les Deux. For example:

1. What do Lauren and Whitney actually do at Teen Vogue besides steam fabrics?

2. Why does Heidi’s boyfriend Spencer always have his upper lip curled up in such a way that it looks like he is constantly smelling a fart of rotting fruit or something?

3. Why is Heidi with Spencer when her own family back in Colorado seems so normal and caring, like they wouldn’t have raised Heidi to turn out the way she did?

4. Does anyone outside the perimeter of Hollywood proper actually find Brent Bolthouse to be attractive, or are people only nice to him because of his power?

5. Who names their child Elodie? (Subquestion: Why doesn’t Elodie deliver a serious beatdown to Heidi, so we can all enjoy it?)

6. How much of a daddy complex do you think Audrina has to have in order to have dated Justin Bobby and the other men who have appeared on her arm during the run of the show? (Subquestion: Is she or is she not in therapy?)

7. Did they find Justin Bobby over at Columbia Pictures’ central casting office in the Super Obvious Cheesy Bad Boyfriends division?

8. Why is Whitney’s one reaction to everything Lauren says, “Oh wow, really?”

9. Doesn’t Lo seem a little too smart for this group?

10. What’s up with Lauren and the scarf/bandana thing around her head all the time?

11. What’s up with the ginormous sunglasses all the time?

12. How much money are mommy and daddy shelling out for all those brunches?

13. Does Spencer wear dentures? I mean, is that what’s causing the curling lip thing?

14. Where are the fat people?

15. Do you think Lisa Love over at Teen Vogue is ever like, wow, I was friends with Andy Warhol at one point and now what I have gotten myself into?

16. Wasn’t it weird during the scene where womanizer Brody Jenner actually seemed intelligent because he advised Spencer not to marry Heidi so young? (My friend Liz: “Oh my God, Brody Jenner is now, like, the sensei of The Hills.)

17. What happens when they start getting old?

Okay, I was going to come up with 20, but I’m running out of juice. But man, I hope I’m not the only one with these questions. Because that would make me an even bigger loser than I already am. — Jennifer Mathieu