The dust had barely settled in Port-au-Prince following Tuesday’s 7.0
magnitude earthquake before opportunistic Jesus-bot Pat Robertson
offered his take on the tragedy. Surely a prominent religious figure
like Roberts could be counted on to offer words of comfort and solace
for the thousands of victims of this disaster, yes?
Or maybe not.
One shudders to think what Satan is going to demand in return for that
deal he struck with George Washington to get rid of the British.
The fact that Robertson is crazier than a shithouse rat on
Chlorpromazine shouldn’t be news to anybody. Among other things, the
guy claimed Scotland was “overrun by homosexuals” (must have been all
the kilts) and that he could leg press 2,000 pounds. Clearly, not all his dogs are barking. However, Hair Balls has recently obtained
exclusive evidence of five other historical occasions when Robertson
found a way to assign responsibility to the victims for their
suffering.
Krakatoa (1883)
Details are sketchy, but Robertson reportedly attributed the near
total destruction of the Indonesian island to the predilection of
South Pacific women to go topless. When asked why God would blow up an
Indonesian island thousands of miles away from Polynesia, Robertson
blamed the fact that Google Maps didn’t exist at the time.
Black Death (14th Century)
Robertson described the plague that ravaged the Continent in the 1340s
as one of the first times God was retroactively vengeful. Here, he’s
punishing France (and the rest of Europe) of the future for
failing to adequately support the War in Iraq.
The Rape of Nanking (1937)
According to Robertson, the Chinese were clearly asking for it. I
mean, the Kuomintang just dangled Manchuria out there for everyone to
see. What was Japan supposed to do? Not invade?
Kenny Rogers (2006)
The Gambler’s horrific plastic surgery results are, if Robertson is to
be believed, a direct result of God’s displeasure at his duet with
Sheena Easton on “We’ve Got Tonight.”
Hurricane Andrew (1992)
Robertson blamed the massive damage to Homestead Air Force Base (and
to Dade County as a whole) on the Miami Dolphins losing the final AFC
playoff spot to the Jets in ’91.
This article appears in Jan 14-20, 2010.
