Perverts, Beware

Crime, Political Animals

PERVERTS, BEWARE

Senator’s bill may or may not do something to you

by Craig Malisow

Sometimes legislative bills don’t seem to be written in plain
English, so it’s always best to go straight to the bill’s author to
find out what’s up.

But a bill authored by Republican State Senator Florence Shapiro of
Plano seems remarkably straightforward: It prohibits registered sex
offenders from “using the Internet to access pornographic
material.”

It would also establish a means for “a commercial social networking
site or Internet service provider” to be provided with a list of said
perverts, so such businesses can alert authorities if they’re using
those sites to prey on kids.

But what got Hair Balls was that first part — about not
allowing these pervs to look at any pornography, or as stated later in
the bill, anything deemed “obscene.” (The bill refers to the obscenity
section of the penal code, which offers different definitions of
obscenity, which include simulated sex.) Even though, as everyone
knows, there is hardly any sex stuff on the Interweb, how would
something like that even be enforced?

So Hair Balls called Shapiro to see if she could elaborate. She was
on the Senate floor as we talked, which might account for some of the
ensuing strangeness.

Hair Balls: Does [this] mean that you do not want anyone
convicted of a sex offense to look at sex by consenting adults
online?

Shapiro: I have no idea…this is an agreed-to bill that came
with the Attorney General, myself and the online providers. It’s model
language that came out of [the American Legislative Exchange
Council].

(Okay, so it turns out Shapiro wasn’t sure of all the particulars in
the bill she attached her name to. But she explained to us that “The
whole purpose of this is that we are seeing more and more young people
on the Internet, and social networking of course is one of the major
issues.”

She then said that the bill would prohibit certain sex offenders
from joining social networking sites…which it doesn’t.)

Shapiro: We need to be able to have that list [the sex
offender registry list] and make that list available to the social
network providers to prevent these people from going online.

HB: So they can’t even use Facebook or MySpace, then, to talk
to other adults?

Shapiro: Oh yes, they can. Absolutely.

HB: They can?

Shapiro: I’m sorry, what did you just ask me?

HB: Can they use a social networking —

Shapiro: No. If they are convicted, no.

HB: They can’t even talk to an adult.

Shapiro: No, that’s correct…Facebook is not one of them.
These are social networks. This is like Friendster and MySpace. I don’t
know that…I don’t remember about Facebook…Facebook is one of them,
you’re right, you’re right…No, the answer is no, they cannot…This
would prohibit them, if they’re on probation or they’re on parole, this
would prohibit them from using the Internet for purposes of
communicating with minors.

HB: But it also prohibits them from looking at anything that
can be deemed obscene, which includes certain movies, certain
art…

Shapiro: Are those things on MySpace or are they on Facebook?
I don’t think they are. They can use the Internet — they just
can’t communicate with minors…They can look at anything they want, as
long as it has nothing to do with the children.

Um, actually, the bill says they couldn’t. So ultimately, Hair Balls
wound up a lot more confused than before we even made the call. But the
important thing is this: As long as well-informed lawmakers are out
there passing sensible legislation that they actually take the time to
read (if not write), we should have absolutely no fear for the safety
of our children. Or something.

Sports, Spaced City

MOVE OVER, REBA

Michael Strahan’s got his own crap sitcom set in Houston

by John Nova Lomax

The Fox network just announced its fall schedule, and in just under
the wire is Brothers, a low-key comedy set in Houston starring
former Westbury and TSU star and future NFL Hall of Famer Michael
Strahan. The Hollywood Reporter claims Brothers received
strong feedback during the pilot’s test viewings last week, and that
Fox has signed for 13 episodes.

Reading the show’s program line, it’s kind of hard to see why.
Gap-toothed behemoth Strahan essentially plays himself — a
recently retired, Houston-bred, New York-based football star named Mike
Trainor “who learns that even though you can always go home again, the
trip back might be tougher than you think.” Mike is summoned back to
Houston by his tough, sassy mother (played by CCH Pounder of The
Shield), and there he becomes reacquainted with his
wheelchair-bound restaurateur brother (Daryl “Chill” Mitchell, of
Ed fame).

“The dynamics between Mike and Chill are the same as when they were
kids, and their sibling rivalry hasn’t lessened with age,” Fox assures
us. “If they can stop their bickering, put aside their differences and
learn to be teammates, the brothers might just turn out to be each
other’s biggest asset.”

Kinda like Everyone Loves Raymond…especially when we read
that the father of these brothers is a hard-ass football coach and the
“conservative, opinionated alpha male of his clan. Coach thinks he runs
the show, but really it’s Mom who calls the shots.” Wow, what a
groundbreaking approach to sitcom gender roles.

Through many trials and travails, Mike learns his family —
messed up as they may be — is the only one he’s got, and so on
and so forth through what looks like every sitcom cliché in the
book. Perhaps the show’s genius will lie in its manner rather than its
form, and Strahan will join the ranks of gridiron
greats-turned-TV-stars like Alex Karras (the dad on Webster) and
Fred Dryer of Hunter infamy, but we’re not holding our
breath.