Poor Substitute: MacGregor Middle School Teacher Does More Than Pass Out Worksheets

I suppose if I were a parent, I would also be enraged by the unorthodox teachings of the fifth-grade substitute at MacGregor Middle School who had her kids call her Sister Jessica. But as it is, she just seems like fun. I can imagine us at happy hour together. Her chatter would be way more fascinating than the usual my-boss-sucks, these-are-my-weekend-plans, Barack-or-Hillary conversation.

This little story presents gem after gem from Sister Jessica. Among them:

• Don’t call her Miss, cuz that means mistress. While you’re at it, don’t call her Mister, either – that’s a slave owner.

• Sugar is cocaine.

• McDonald’s is Crack Donald’s.

• Burger King is Murder King.

• Hair permanent and makeup cause cancer.

• There’s rat poison in toothpaste.

• And, of course, God doesn’t exist.

What I want to know is, why’d the kids nark on this woman? Best. Substitute. Teacher. Ever! (Sister Jess, give me a call. Beer’s on me!) – Cathy Matusow