Pop Rocks: Flame, Hollywood, Flame

I'm sure you've all heard the terrible news by now: Judge Vaughn "Mussolini" Walker declared California's gay marriage ban unconstitutional.

Obviously I don't have to tell you what severe ramifications this will have, not only for the soul of our country, but for the very future of the sacred institution of marriage and the hearts and minds of our precious children. It won't be long before homosexuals will have the temerity to walk about in broad daylight, celebrating their love in public like...normal people.

I'm just glad Bristol and Levi's relationship didn't survive long enough to see this.

But how will the decision affect that most macho of industries? I'm talking of course about Hollywood, which is already suffering through an onslaught of remake fever. What happens when you combine this unholy fervor for redoing classic movie properties with a newly invigorated gay agenda? I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm pretty sure it will be worse than Nazis dropping chemical weapons on the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.

Don't believe me? Just look at how some of your favorite cinema couples could be perverted by Judge Walker's decision. And this is just the tip of the big pink iceberg.


The character of Ilsa (Gwyneth Paltrow) becomes an afterthought as primary focus is placed on the newly sanctioned romantic relationship between Rick (George Clooney) and Captain Renault (Jude Law). And they'd probably throw in an ill-advised affair between the former and Ugarte (Wee Man) to further spice things up.

Really though, this isn't that much of a stretch, given the original Renault's apparent infatuation with the American gun-runner.

Kramer vs. Kramer

Replace "Ted" with "Theodora" (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and you have your dreaded lesbian update of the Robert Benton classic. Only this time, instead of a bitter custody dispute over their son, she and Joanna (Kristen Stewart) are forced to go to court to determine who gets to keep the couple's Siberian Husky, Billy.

You'd probably need a few sex scenes as well...to keep things current, and all.

Yogi and Boo Boo

Sure, they'll still be persecuted by the Establishment (in the person of Ranger Smith (Kevin Spacey)), but that won't prevent the newly out and proud Yogi (Seth Rogen) from doing his best to continue getting all up in what he euphemistically refers to as Boo Boo's (Jonah Hill) "pick-a-nick basket." Another wholesome childhood memory perverted by degenerate studio interests and forced into the gulag of Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" (see also Harvey Birdman).

Top Gun

On second thought, they wouldn't need to change a thing.

An Officer And A Gentleman

It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" be damned as Paula is turned into a rugged blue collar factor worker (Larry the Cable Guy) who wins the heart of Zack Mayo (Leonardo DiCaprio) at a local leather bar called "Hello Sailor." Or perhaps the remake would finally explore the simmering master-and-servant dynamic between Mayo and Sgt. Foley (Nick Cannon). Only this time the character-defining fight scene would be devolve into a frenzy of man-love. Well, more so than the original, I mean.

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