The celebrity world was rocked yesterday by news that country singer
Mindy McCready’s sex tape was about to hit the streets. Okay,
maybe “rocked” is the wrong word. How about “briefly distracted from Kate Gosselin’s behavior on Dancing with the Stars?” Time
was, a sex-tape scandal was cause for much indignation and clucking of
tongues, now we can hardly be bothered to check out the obligatory
pixelated YouTube clips.
[By the way, here
are some clips.]
So what happened? Have we really become so cynical that the prospect
of seeing the (sort of) rich and (kind of) famous awkwardly get their
freak on no longer interests us? In a word, yes. Oh god, yes.
I’m no fancy big city pop culture writer, wait…actually, I am. So I
can point out two distinct factors leading to our newly jaded outlook.
The first was the release of the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape. Not
because we were surprised two creatures with a complete lack of
superego would actually made one, but because it set such a high
standard for all that would follow. Anderson was, at the time, one
of the most desired women in the world. Having the veil lifted from that
particular fantasy was a watershed (or…something shed) moment for
males everywhere.
Plus, as far as locations go, it’s hard to top: Lake Mead? Hawaii? The
elusive BJ while driving? Compared to that, these poorly lit,
stationary-cam motel room tapes that seem to be de rigeur nowadays simply don’t stand a chance.
Second, and I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but there is a
shitload of pornography on the Internet, much of it free (or so I’m
told). And the momentary charge one gets from seeing “that rich girl
from that reality show on that cable network” going through the
missionary style motions, her face dulled by boredom and/or narcotics,
can’t really compete with some XXX actress pretzel-twisting herself
for your lascivious amusement.
Not only that, but it’s obvious
from the caliber of “celebrity” in
most of these recent sex tapes that none of them have — in this
country, anyway — been leaked by accident. McCready has been in legal
trouble for the better part of a decade; Amy
Fisher found out 18-year-old notoriety didn’t pay too well, and Kim
Kardashian barely registered on the pop-culture map before tape of
her “performance” with singer Ray J went online. There was no place to
go but up for any of these idiots (or Dustin
“Screech” Diamond, or Tonya
Harding, or Fred
Durst), so engineering controversy over a “stolen” sex tape
probably seemed like a safer bet than waiting for royalties from
Celebrity Rehab reruns.
My proposal is a modest one: why
not just create a dedicated channel
to host these tapes? The benefits are twofold: interested parties
won’t have to hunt through dozens of spyware-infested sites in order
to “flog the dolphin,” and the celebrities themselves can put a little
coin in their pocket. Cable providers shouldn’t have a problem with
it, since they already make gazillions of dollars a year piping
dirty
movies into homes and hotels.
Next, we’ll discuss how the
best way to jack up TV ratings is to
abandon any standards of decency. You thought ratings were impressive
when Ross and Rachel got together on Friends, how big would
they have been if they really “got together?” Sure, your FCC fines
would stack up with alarming speed, but think of the ratings! A 100
share!
“Must See TV” indeed.
This article appears in Apr 1-7, 2010.
