A tropical retreat sounds pretty good right about now, as Houston begins yet
another in a seemingly unending series of cold (well, relatively), rainy
weeks. Unfortunately, in this economy the odds are slim that any of you can
afford to just drop everything and jet off to Antigua for a weekend.
As it turns out, that’s probably for the best. For while it’s easy to lull
yourself into thinking that spending a few afternoons dozing on the beach
while Ramon brings you Mai Tais would be a lot of fun, here are some movies
to remind you that paradise ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be.
5. The Island (1980)
Though penned by Jaws author Peter Benchley and starring
Oscar-winning (then only Oscar-nominated) actor Michael Caine, this flick
about modern-day pirates terrorizing the Caribbean failed to have the same
negative effect on pleasure cruising that his earlier work did on
recreational swimming. Hollywood learned a valuable lesson from this box
office dud: audiences only like their waterborne rapist/murderers depicted
by hot guys like Johnny Depp.
4. Broken Lizard’s Club Dread (2004)
We all know the Star Trek formula: every even-numbered one is good.
Okay, not necessarily “good,” but better than the odd-numbered ones. The
opposite is generally true for Broken Lizard flicks, as Super
Troopers and Beerfest are pretty funny. Unfortunately,
Club Dread was their second movie.
3. Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987)
Despite the return of almost all the Tri-Lams (post-Top Gun Anthony
Edwards obviously felt himself above such shenanigans), the conversion of
former adversary Ogre, and the presence of uber-prick Bradley Whitford, we
weren’t as taken with Booger, Lewis, and the gang this time around. This is
probably because middle America was terrified by the concept of dorks with
armor support.
2. Cocktail (1988)
I don’t begrudge Tom Cruise his success. Really. I figure anyone delusional
enough to buy into the Gospel According to L. Ron Hubbard probably needs the
adulation of millions of fan to distract him from the resultant loss of
sanity. No, I resent the man because he got to mash lips with Elisabeth
Shue, my imaginary girlfriend since The Karate Kid.
And as a former bartender, his sloppy technique enrages me.
1. The Beach (2000)
Hmm, an island paradise where young people freed from the shackles of
society learn disturbing truths about their inner natures. No “flies” on
that startlingly original concept.
Win a DVD of Couples Retreat — Be one of the first three people to send an e-mail to hairballscontest@houstonpress.com with “Couples Retreat contest” in the header.
This article appears in Jan 28 – Feb 3, 2010.
