Protect Yourself

CRIME

Sex Toys As Weapons
Ten that clerks can use to defend themselves

By Craig Malisow

When we read about a robbery at ye olde Conroe sex shoppe, it occurred to us that these establishments get knocked over a lot. What is it about these places — besides the obvious — that’s so inviting to criminals, anyway?

And then it occurred to us that, if the employees aren’t armed with guns to protect themselves, they could at least have some of the store’s more heavy-duty product line under the register, as some of these things sound outright dangerous. So here are a few items from Zone d’Erotica, the store that got knocked over, that we thought could also be useful outside the bedroom:

10. 16.5-inch Studded Paddle

Small enough to fit comfortably under the register, but big enough to pack a hell of a wallop. At first we were thinking of recommending the paddle with holes, which might actually sting more, but the studs on this bad boy are downright scary.

9. 24-inch Viper Tongue

We don’t know what this is used for. And you know what? We don’t want to find out. Neither will the dude who had planned on robbing you.

8. Anal Douche

You’ll of course want to keep this one loaded.

7. Borosilicate Glass Sleek Dildo Wand

This “features a ball handle for easy maneuvering” and a “smoothly rounded end for easy insertion.” It will “not shatter, crack, or chip with normal use.” The trick is to show the would-be robbers what happens when it’s not used normally.

6. 16-inch Double-Dong with Bendable Spine

Say hello to my not-so-little friend…

5. Black Butterfly Clamp With Link Chain

This thing looks like it could do some damage. Make sure to swing it over your head a few times to get some good momentum.

4. Boy Butter Lubricant (9 oz. Squeeze Bottle)

Aim for the eyes.

3. Doggin Bat

This must be a cousin of the Viper Tongue. Brutal.

2. Sexy & Psycho Love Doll

Okay, this really can’t be used as a weapon. This is for sheer psychological torture. Seriously, if you’re robbing some dude and then all of a sudden this thing is shoved in your face? Yeah. That’s gonna throw a wrench in the plan.

1. Sims Anal Speculum

No comment.
_____________________

DOING IT DAILY

Theres tons of stuff each day on the Houston Press blogs; youre only getting a taste of it here in the print edition. Head to blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs (or /rocks or /eating or /artattack).

Texas

We covered the devastating wildfires via everything from slideshows to updates to scary video to offering a list of the eight best firefighter movies. And we took a look at some of the best new Texas laws taking effect, from barehands fishing to sexting.

Sports

Like much of the sports universe, we talked a lot about the Aggies’ move to the SEC, including five reasons why it will bring about the ruin of college football as we know it. As the NFL season opened, we provided an interactive graphic of Sean Pendergast’s Texans predictions, which we’ll update throughout the season on why he was wrong/right each week. The Astros sale looks like it is doomed without a Plan B, and we also ranked the nine best apps for fantasy football players.

Food

We blogged about moules curry at Jeannine’s Bistro, burgers from Flaming Patties and MREs from the National Guard. That’s right — one of our bloggers survived both Katrina and the ready-to-eat meals that followed. We observed National Bourbon Month, of course, and washed it down with pink gin and Texas wine. And Katharine Shilcutt continued to count down her 100 favorite dishes in Houston — pork rillette from Feast, lasagna from Capri and the Tex-Mex burger from El Real all made it. We’ll be done with the list by the time our Best of Houston® edition comes out, September 29.

Art Attack

We checked out some vintage postcards of Houston, people-watched at the Photobooth on Montrose’s grand opening and previewed Eyeopener tours’ new Best-Of installment. We wished Jonathan Taylor Thomas a very happy 30th birthday with some classic, swoontastic pictures, and we found some of our favorite writers’ first jobs (in honor of Labor Day).