“If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America,” astrophysicist and wheelchair-enthusiast Stephen Hawking opines in a new documentary to be shown on the Discovery Channel.
And the big problem is, Texas is about to execute perhaps our most renowned alien-hunter: former Fort Bend County resident Samuel Bustamante is scheduled to meet the needle Tuesday for the 1998 stabbing death of a man Bustamante and his friends singled out because they wanted to kill undocumented immigrants. (In a taped confession, Bustamante told investigators he and his friend had planned to go “shopping” for undocumented people; using that word somehow makes him even more of a dick).
But is Bustamante the kind of man we need to defend ourselves from aliens (of the outer-space variety) who Hawking says are probably hostile?
On first blush, we’d say yes, but the Bustamante of 2010 may be different than the young hate-crime-lover of yesteryear. For one thing, Bustamante now describes himself as “open-minded,” on a pen-pal-seeking site for death row inmates. Moreover, Bustamante says he enjoys “reading novels” and “walking on the beach as the cool breaze [sic] blows,” further suggesting that death row has turned him into a big ol’ pussy. He may have mellowed to the point where he could no longer defend us from space monsters.
Also, Bustamante is arguing that he not be executed because he is
mentally impaired, as evidenced by his school records. (We suspect,
however, that the records only indicate Bustamante was a dumb-ass, and
there is no capital punishment exception for them).
So even if Bustamante were spared, he may no longer be the effective
alien-hunter he once was. Hopefully, we can turn to some Texas Tea Party
members to defend us, if the alien ships touch down. One look at a dude
in a powdered wig waving a “Party Like It’s 1773” sign, and the aliens
just might decide to go back home.
This article appears in Apr 22-28, 2010.
