Seven Ways To Tell When That Woman Plans To Drug And Rob You

It’s a crime-wave that is terrorizing single, vulnerable men out for a simple night of fun on Austin’s Sixth Street. Men powerless to defend themselves from their attackers. Stupid, stupid men.

As the Early Show reported recently, six men have been robbed by a group of three or four women dubbed “The Sixth Street Bandits.” Some of the victims say they had been drinking heavily, making them easy targets for credit card theft. Others say they were only drinking “moderately” and suspect they had been drugged. One victim was still so traumatized by the event that he would only be interviewed in shadow, giving only his first name. He could only remember bits and pieces of the evening, including, at one point, waking up in a van. One can only imagine the horror he had to endure. What has the country come to when dudes can’t even go to bars and get women drunk enough to go home with them without a gang of vicious female predators taking their wallets?

So as a public service, Hair Balls has compiled a list of ways to tell if that woman sidling up to you at the bar is planning to rob you.

1. Calculate what experts call “The Attractiveness Ratio.” Are you an
overweight chronic sweater who preserves bugs in amber and lives in
your parents’ basement? Is she incredibly hot? If so, then there is a
moderate chance that she is not as interested in your rare mosquitos as
she claims. Be extra-careful if she says “You’re not like all the other
guys. Can I see your wallet?”

2. Do not, under any circumstances, acquiesce if a woman approaches you at
the bar and suggests “moving this party” to her “bumpin’ van.” While
the sight of a cherry 1981 Ford Econoline with mini-blinds and a sweet
viking mural might make you weak in the knees, you must resist this
siren’s call. Remember this simple rule: Nothing good ever happens in a
van. Ever.

3. Is she dressed as a nun? If so, simply turn and walk away. Nuns do not drink at bars. They drink in the rectory.

4. If a strange woman hands you a beer, do not drink it. Wait until your
Shiner and hers are on the bar, then direct her attention away (“Is
that Ralph Macchio by the jukebox?” is an effective diversion) then
switch the bottles. If she is indeed attempting to drug you, do not
divert your attention – chances are she may indicate that she just saw
Manute Bol in line at the men’s room. Do not fall for this ruse. Like
the Yeti, Manute Bol is a myth.

5. Is your bullshit working a little too well? Sure, your striped shirt,
yellow Hummer and vague “consulting” job are usually a hit with the
ladies, but if the woman you’re talking to says “tell me more” when you
break into your story about how your frat brothers dressed in blackface
for Martin Luther King Day, proceed cautiously. There is the slight
possibility she finds your douchiness detestable, as opposed to most
women, who you believe swoon over that sort of thing. It is entirely
possible that she may be trying to win your confidence and get you to
lower your guard before she strikes.

6. Does she have big hands, stubble, and a penis? These are all signs that
she may in fact be a man in disguise. Proceed with extreme caution.

7. Be proactive: Do not wait until you’ve actually been rolled to appear
on a morning news show in shadow. Dress in shadow before you hit the
bars. This can be achieved with the simple use of a black ski mask,
black turtleneck, black sweatpants, and dark brown sneakers (for a dash
of contrast). If engaged in conversation, speak through a voice
modulator that drastically distorts your inflection and lowers your
natural register. If you don’t own a voice modulator, speak through a
kazoo.

These are just a few things to keep in mind for the next time you go
out. Remember: always be vigilant. Never let your guard down. And if
you get robbed by a woman, don’t tell the police, or anyone for that
matter, because they’ll just laugh at what a dick you are.

— Craig Malisow