1. After surviving Katrina, the Superdome and a fetid bus ride to the Dome, one New Orleans resident promptly got hit by a light-rail car. This was:
a. Bad news for the guy involved, but sort of funny when you
think about it.
b. Irrefutable proof this was one person you shouldn’t go
bungee-jumping with.
c. Just a little Metro warning for the newcomers about whose
turf they’re on now.
d. His fault, according to Metro.
2. For the first time since 1846, a Mexican Army unit was allowed to operate on U.S. soil, bringing relief supplies to evacuees living in Dallas. What was the result?
a. Twelve members of the Minutemen
swallowed their tobacky in shock.
b. The army vehicles were pulled over four
times between Brownsville and San
Antonio for “driving while brown.”
c. The Daughters of the Republic of Texas arranged for security
reinforcements at the Alamo, “just in case.”
d. Things went smoothly.
3. Wayne Pacelle, president of the Humane Society of the United States, told The New York Times that pet rescuers were “not getting the help we need…There are policemen and firemen out there who want to help, but the order [from] on high is to help people, not pets.” Pacelle:
a. Then said, “Help people? When there are pets out there?
What kind of crazy world are we living in?”
b. Then asked Americans to donate as much as they can to
the Tsunami Gerbil Fund.
c. Apparently views humankind as being put on Earth merely
to serve the needs of dogs and cats.
d. Needs to get his priorities straight.
4. President Bush told a TV interviewer, “I don’t think anyone anticipated the break of the levee.” This means Bush defines “anyone” as:
a. Himself and Dick Cheney.
b. Any person who has not studied the likelihood of the
levee breaking.
c. FEMA.
d. It’s just hard to say.
5. On Monday, September 5, the Houston Chronicle‘s Katrina coverage featured a seemingly endless array of stories about how religion was helping the victims. Which of the following was not a Chron headline that day?
a. “Services Offer Solace to the Weary.”
b. “Turning to Faith: The Power of Prayer.”
c. “Congregation in Biloxi Vows to Rebuild Their Church.”
d. “Child Asks, ‘Mommy, Why Did Mean Jesus Send That Storm
Our Way?’ ”
6. Former first lady Barbara Bush famously declared, “What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas…And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.” This:
a. Means Babs won’t be
interviewed again until
she has a really, really
well prepared response
for this.
b. Isn’t as bad as when
she said she wouldn’t trouble her “beautiful mind” worrying
about body bags from Iraq.
c. Shows that different folks can define “working very well for
them” different ways.
d. Pretty much sums up the Bush mind-set.
7. Houstonians donated huge amounts of clothing to Katrina victims. A few volunteers handing out the items, though, commented that some of the stuff was kinda well past its prime, fashionwise. This shows Houstonians:
a. Sincerely believed the evacuees would look really sharp in
Members Only jackets.
b. Had been quietly waiting for the day when stonewashed
jeans would make a comeback.
c. Don’t really make a habit of donating slightly old clothing.
d. Finally got around to cleaning out their closets.
8. Bush visited Mississippi and told still-shaken victims, “Out of the rubble of Trent Lott’s house, there’s going to be a fantastic house. And I’m looking forward to sitting on that porch.” As a result:
a. All newly homeless trailer-park residents
immediately relaxed, comforted in the
knowledge that Trent Lott would come
out okay.
b. Bush decisively demonstrated his
commitment to helping storm victims,
as long as they’re Senate members.
c. Most people couldn’t envision Bush and Lott on that porch
without including Butterfly McQueen as the maid.
d. Bush nailed down the millionaire-victim vote.
9. The oddest result of the Katrina influx into Houston is:
a. Every panhandler — even if they’ve been working the same
block for years — is now from Louisiana.
b. The Dome is actually being used for something.
c. At one point the scenes from the Dome were so upsetting
that the mega-Botoxed face of Channel 13’s Dave Ward
actually appeared to move.
d. Our city’s going to have some great music for a while.
Answers: All d.
This article appears in Sep 15-21, 2005.