The Super Bowl is about more than just gorging ourselves on lite beer
and fatty foods before calling in sick to work on Monday: it’s about
terrorism, and transsexualism, and the dread that comes from knowing
your bookie is going to have your legs broken because Whisenhunt called
for a meaningless 4th-quarter field goal, allowing Arizona to beat the
spread. The following movies address some of these cherished big-game
themes.
5. Where the Buffalo Roam (1980)
The big game Hunter S. Thompson was supposed to cover is mostly an afterthought
here, as apparently was any attempt to make Bill Murray physically
resemble HST, or the movie’s own legacy following Gilliam’s superior
1998 effort or last year’s documentary Gonzo.
4. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
Private investigators looking into the disappearance of Sean Young
should probably start with Ace Ventura, her last known big
screen whereabouts. But hey, at least there’s one alternate dimension
where Dan Marino finally got a ring.
3. The Sum of All Fears (2002)
It was the Super Bowl in the book. Here, I think it’s just a regular
season NFL game. What’s important, however, is the lesson imparted by
director Phil Alden Robinson and Tom Clancy: that it’s perfectly safe to
wander around ground zero a few hours after a nuclear attack.
2. Heaven Can Wait (1978)
Truth is stranger than fiction. In the film, a professional QB is
reincarnated as a wealthy industrialist who buys the Rams and convinces
his old trainer to let him lead them to the Super Bowl. In reality, all
the Rams needed was a Bible-thumping former grocery stockboy/ex-Arena
Leaguer with a hard-on for opposing stem cell research to get them their
first NFC championship.
1. Black Sunday (1977)
One can almost imagine a young Osama bin Laden watching this movie and
thinking to himself, “Man, blimps are way too slow to cause any serious
damage to the Jew-loving West. Commercial airliners are definitely the
way to go.” I guess what I’m trying to say is: John Frankenheimer is
directly responsible for 9-11.
— Pete Vonder Haar
This article appears in Jan 29 – Feb 4, 2009.
