The Top Five Ballsiest Actors From Texas

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Jacoby Jones likes

clutching his balls


Texans receiver Jacoby Jones is carrying a football with him everywhere he goes.

"I'm trying to get better and not fumble, so I'm going to walk around with this all day," said Jones, who lost fumbles on punt returns in the first two preseason games. "If you've ever seen the movie The Program, I have to keep these guys from touching my friend (ball) right here."

Special-teams coach Joe Marciano had the idea.

"I've been walking around with it tucked all day, running with it, conditioning; it'll help me," Jones said. "I don't plan on putting it down."

Given the Texans' recent WR woes, and as long as we're using The Program for inspiration, Jones might want to consider some of that Steve Lattimer-style death's-head make-up as well.

All this, of course, is merely an excuse to post a list of the ballsiest moves by famous Houstonians (for this edition, I'm restricting the list to actors).

5. Jaclyn Smith - My favorite Lamar HS grad (meaning the only Lamar HS grad I can name) went from fluffy TV fare like The Whiz Kid and the Carnival Caper to weighty TV fare like Cries Unheard: The Donna Yaklich Story, also landing the role of Kelly Garrett and launching a thousand pre-adolescent boners in the process. I don't care that she's on her 4th husband or that the way she spells her first reminds me of that `80s chainsaw band, I still want to be her Charlie.

Why She's On the List: She stuck it out for five long seasons of Charlie's Angels, long after the show had been doomed by the addition of Shelley Hack and the departure of...Soon-Tek Oh. But since I'm not going to wade through clip after clip of Smith in her white string bikini, here's her commercial for Epris perfume, essentially encouraging early '80s women to release their inner trollop:

4. Jennifer Garner - Garner may have been raised/attended college in West Virginia, but we'll claim anybody we can get if it makes Dallas look bad.

Why She's On the List: Garner married Oscar-winning lunkhead Ben Affleck even after seeing the kind of ham acting genetic defects the guy displayed in Pearl Harbor, as portrayed in the following reverse peristalsis-inducing clip:

3. Patrick Swayze - Previous snark aside, I love the Swayze. And it would be an easy thing to point out his fortitude in the face of a grim cancer diagnosis; after all, few of us would be back to working on a new TV series (A&E's The Beast), much less smoking.

Why He's On the List: Taking the role of motivational jagoff Jim Cunningham in Donnie Darko was a ballsy move, even for the guy who once reminded us, "Pain don't hurt:"

2. JoBeth Williams - Williams is one of those actors you'll recognize, though you might get her name confused with Lesley Ann Warren (see also James Franciscus/Tony Franciosa). She's probably most famous as Diane Freeling in Steven Spielberg's Poltergeist, and because her career survived something called The Mud Monster.

Why She's On the List: So what constitutes her gutsiest career move? Starring in The Day After, the show that panicked an entire generation? Portraying the crusading mother of murdered Adam Walsh? Nailing Tom Berenger on the dock in The Big Chill? Silly rabbits, obviously it was agreeing to co-star in something called Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot:

1. Randy Quaid - Both Randy and his brother were born in Houston, but do you really think the criminally dimpled Dennis had as hard a time of it as his hulking, goofy-looking elder sibling? Those of you with more attractive brethren can sympathize, and can understand why Randy had to take a few more paycheck and/or left field roles, like the Chevy-less Christmas Vacation sequel and some little indie flick with no box office potential called Brokeback Mountain.

Why He's On the List: Speaking of left field, who can forget the inspired role of Elijah C. Scuggs, "freakshow tycoon and amateur bio-engineer" from 1993's Freaked:

-- Pete Vonder Haar

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