Tradition!

January has brought some cold weather to Houston, but the ever thoughtful Houston Chronicle has seen fit to warm our hearts with a special treat.

Usually we have to wait for January (or thereabouts) of even-numbered years to reread the Chron‘s classic op-ed column about how the paper’s editorial outlook is not liberal, not conservative, it’s juuuust wight. But even though it’s 2003, the paper let us enjoy the tale once again, indulging Houstonians in their own version of Pop reading ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas in front of the fire.

The January 20 column was written, as it always is, by senior editorial writer James Howard Gibbons. Gibbons apparently can’t be bothered to rewrite or rethink the thing — he tweaks it, but the biggest change from one version to the other is the headline. Sometimes it’s “Editorials Not Liberal or Conservative”; sometimes it’s the more chest-thumping “Not Liberal, Not Conservative: We Transcend.” (For those keeping score at home, 2003 was a non-chest-thumping year.)

Other notes for the longtime connoisseurs of vapidity who might have missed the surprise appearance this year, the fifth time we’ve been exposed to this gem:

1) The clean-air statement didn’t make it this time. The classic version, of course, is from 1996: “Like most Americans, the Chronicle believes that citizens and industries should make reasonable efforts to ensure clean air and water. This may be a liberal notion, but” (Apparently the fight isn’t over defining “reasonable.”)

2) Once again, we were pompously told that Chron editorials “follow no ideology save a decent respect for reason and the lessons of history.” (That makes it four out of five times; looks like a keeper!)

3) The “requisite concern” joke: Out. (In really good years, Gibbons says he’s sometimes mistaken for a liberal, “although I seldom exhibit the requisite concern for others.”)

4) “Longish”: In (thank Christ). We couldn’t live without once again being told, in one of the most stirring sentences of thunderous editorial opinion, that “the Chronicle believes that violent, dangerous criminals should spend longish periods of their lives behind bars.”

5) Yes, once again the Chronicle‘s editorial board is as “diverse as the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.” (Five for five.) (With the recent flop Star Trek: Nemesis likely bringing an end to the franchise, will Gibbons have to change his tune?)

Luckily, there was no fooling with the classic ending of the piece, where we learn that the Chronicle editorial board doesn’t tell readers what to think; “It asks only that they think.”

We think. We think we can’t wait until next January, when (we hope!) a Houston tradition continues.

Meow!

KHOU-TV put out a press release touting its (deservedly touted) investigation into errors at the Houston Police Department’s DNA lab, quoting news director Mike Devlin. “Some stations do investigations on mother-daughter strippers and pleasure parties,” he said, but not Channel 11.

KPRC-TV is the main target of the gibe, but it was also likely directed at KTRK’s Wayne Dolcefino, who’s done his time logging the horrors of strip clubs. His thoughts on the DNA story: “Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then.”

Boob Tube

It’s nothing new these days when local TV newscasts spend their time hyping the shows that appear on their network, but KRIV, Fox Channel 26, is taking things to new heights these days.

If you watched their news, you’d be convinced that the most important things happening in America right now are, in descending order, 1) American Idol; 2) Joe Millionaire; 3) the coming war in Iraq.

It’s not easy coming up with endless “news” about pseudo-events, though. Witness the January 30 prime-time broadcast, which promoted an upcoming segment on how the guy in Joe Millionaire has a new idea for the show! (Nightmare gig: appealing to the person who’d say, “Say what? The guy from Joe Millionaire has a new idea for the show? I am not touching that remote!”)

We watched. Anchor Mike Barajas narrated over much video from Joe Millionaire (as seen on Fox!).

The story? In essence, it was this: “The man known to America as Joe Millionaire says he has a new idea for the show!” (We know that already, Houstonians all but screamed.) Pause for more clips from the show. “He says a sequel should have a woman as the star, with a group of men trying to be picked.” (Oh. Well. Okay.) More clips shown. “He says the woman should have big breasts” (Whaaat?) “and when she finally chooses a man, she should reveal that she’s wearing a padded bra. He says they should call it Jane Big Boobs.”

Cut (finally) from the lengthy clips of Joe Millionaire back to the anchor desk, where Barajas and co-anchor Melissa Wilson — she of the squeaky-clean image — are trying mightily, if not entirely successfully, to avoid looking very, very embarrassed.