Twitter This

All right, so everyone was all in a tizzy last week when it was discovered that some American graduate student was able to get himself out of an Egyptian jail by alerting his friends through Twitter, a social-networking site that allows people to send short messages to each other.

I wish they’d let that kid rot there instead.

Why?

Because in my opinion he was guilty of the crime of self-absorption via Twitter.

Fine. I’ll admit that unlike most people of my generation, I’m a technophobe. Despite writing this blog and checking my e-mail regularly, I’m the first to say I do not own a digital camera, don’t own a cell phone, nor do I have any knowledge of how to text people.

Why?

Because it’s nice to have a little privacy sometimes, that’s why. I don’t want everyone to know everything about me, I don’t want everyone to be able to reach me all the time, and I don’t particularly care to know where everyone I know is and what they’re doing.

I’d heard about Twitter, and after this Egyptian jail story made the news, I went to www.twitter.com to watch a painfully cutesy video about how Twitter works. (Go watch it. I promise you it’s painfully, vomit-inducing cute.)

The video explains why people would want to be able to send out “tweets” to each other, (e.g. short little messages updating people on their lives). Using a too-precious voice, the video’s narrator explains, “Most of our day-to-day lives are hidden from people who care…What about people that want to know about the little things that happen in your life? Real life happens between blog posts and e-mails, and now there’s a way to share…Thanks to Twitter, it’s possible to share short, bite-sized updates about your life.”

Oh my God.

I’m so sorry, but there’s a reason our day-to-day lives are hidden from most people. Why? Because most of our day-to-day lives are boring as Hell! Supposedly, you can use Twitter to let friends and family know dumb shit about you like you just ate some great pasta or you just watched a hilarious movie on STARZ. But who fucking cares? Seriously. Who does! I don’t care when I do shit like that, so why would I want to know about anyone else? Wow, you just did the laundry and it smells so clean? You clipped your toenails and it took ten minutes? Wowza! I feel so connected to you now!

Is this where we, as a nation, are headed? I believe we are fast becoming (or have already become) navel-gazing idiots who think that every time we take a wizz it’s a noteworthy event. And this scares the Hell out of me.

We all take wizzes, buy books, go to the movies, make out, reheat leftovers, and watch “Law & Order” reruns. I hate to break it to you, but just because you’re doing it doesn’t make it any less mundane.

And as for more “important” events like delivering news about an engagement or pregnancy, all I have to say is if I found out about a friend of mine getting knocked up via Twitter, I’d feel hurt. Forgive me for sounding like my crazy Cuban mama, but would it kill ya to phone once in a while?

Go for a walk. Volunteer. Learn an instrument. Give your partner a massage. Any of the above (and many other options) are a far better use of your time than utilizing Twitter. And after you engage in any of the above activities, trust us, we don’t need to know about it. – Jennifer Mathieu