Last week was a great week for the “football nerd” in me. Specifically, Thursday was a phenomenal DAY for the “football nerd” in me. Of course, the highlight was the release of the 2023 NFL schedule, one of my favorite days of the calendar year. This past Thursday, though, we got a little noontime appetizer from the Houston Texans — they released the jersey numbers for this season’s rookie class!
Yes, I am a jersey nerd! Actually, there was a slight bit of drama for this particular cycle of rookie jerseys, because rookie QB C.J. Stroud has been wearing jersey number 7 for quite some time. As Texan fans (and pretty much nobody else) know, kicker Ka’imi Fairbairn has been number 7 for the Texans for several seasons.
Would Ka’imi give up number 7 for Stroud, and if so, what was the cost for Stroud to procure it?
This was the question weighing on the minds of me and all my jersey nerd brethren. Finally, at noon on Thursday, we got the answer to the first question:
We will probably never find out what, if anything, it cost Stroud to snatch number 7 off Fairbairn’s back. For those wondering, Fairbairn will now pivot to number 15, his college jersey number. The bigger question, for the entire class, is “What happened to the legacy of these jersey numbers they are wearing?” IF these players succeed, the jersey will hang on racks in the team store. If they fail, then they will merely be a footnote in the graveyard of Texans jersey history.
Let’s examine the failure part of this, because that is always more entertaining. If these rookies come in and flunk out, what previous wearer of their jersey number can they blame? In other words, who cursed their jersey number? Don’t worry, I’ve done the legwork, and here is who they should blame:
7 C.J. STROUD (#7 History)
CURSE: Brian Hoyer
It’s appropriate this would be a quarterback cursing it, and in his one season with the Texans in 2015, Hoyer was benched in the season opener, concussed about a half dozen times, and committed five turnovers in a playoff shutout loss.
51 WILL ANDERSON (#51 History)
CURSE: Kamu Grugier-Hill
My radio cohost Seth Payne made the observation that number 51 is kind of the “teacher’s pet try hard” number — John Simon, Dylan Cole, and Gurgier-Hill, who gets the nod based on being brought in as a “culture guy” and then quitting on the team in the middle of last season.
70 JUICE SCRUGGS (#70 History)
CURSE: Julien Davenport
Davenport was a fourth round pick out of Bucknell in 2017, who was anointed the starting left tackle in 2018 and it went about how you would think. By Week 7, Deshaun Watson was so beat up, he had to take a bus to Jacksonville because of a punctured lung. Davenport was eventually a throw-in in the Laremy Tunsil trade.
13 TANK DELL (#13 History)
CURSE: Braxton Miller
Many Texan fans probably feel like this curse should be named after Brandin Cooks, but the fact is Cooks was a good player, even if he became kind of a crybaby at the end of his time here. Braxton Miller was a flat out failure, whose biggest fan from the second he arrived in Houston was himself. Dude loved him some Braxton Miller.
92 DYLAN HORTON (#92 History)
CURSE: Brandon Dunn
Dunn was actually a respectable player for a couple years after he arrived as a street free agent. However, eventually, Bill O’Brien overpaid him, and he became more known for being the locker room DJ on the team’s sound system than for actually playing football.
39 HENRY TO’O TO’O (#39 History)
CURSE: Lonnie Ballentine
Ballentine was Mr. Irrelevant in the 2014 draft (i.e. the final pick of the whole draft), and somehow managed to hang around the Texans for four years largely on injured reserve. Honestly, if you’re going to be a day three pick, there are worse fates you could suffer.
68 JARRETT PATTERSON (#68 History)
CURSE: Breno Giacomini
No player embodies the inability of Bill O’Brien to identify his treasured “smart, tough, dependable” mantra than Giacomini, who miraculously played every snap of the 2017 season at right tackle, despite being awful at playing right tackle.
19 XAVIER HUTCHINSON (#19 History)
CURSE: Andre Roberts
Roberts, an extraordinary kick returner for most of his career, was the first free agent signing of the Nick Caserio Era in 2021. By midway through the season, he was released, signed with the Chargers, and then actually received All Pro votes for his work in Los Angeles for half a season.
36 BRANDON HILL (#36 History)
CURSE: D.J. Swearinger
Swearinger is best known for a few things — refusing to play special teams, skipping out on paying for cosmetic work done to his automobile, and owning a dog that bit Jadeveon Clowney. Oh, and in his rookie year, he had two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties in a Thursday night loss in Jacksonville, the final nail in Gary Kubiak’s Texans coaching coffin. Good times!
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This article appears in Jan 1 – Dec 31, 2023.
