Yo NBA, We Got Your Social Media Policy Right Hurrr

It's no secret that the National Basketball Association (the NBA, if you're nasty) has had its share of notorious digital ups and downs - well, mostly downs, actually - when it comes to social media. Whether NBA players are psycho about their technology or just psycho is a judgment call best left to the discretion of the juror. But rest assured, the NBA thinks its players, coaches, and team officials are completely whack when it comes to Twitter, Facebook, and the like. And they must be stopped, damnit!

So, like any good little societal entity, the NBA is releasing a complete set of social media guidelines this week to whip these unruly villain hoopsters into cyber shape. Although a secret source told ESPN the new policy will be "very minimal" and "less stringent" than the rules announced earlier this month by the NFL, we kinda call bullshit on that. Seeing that ESPN's elusive source said that "the NBA's new policy, furthermore, will treat social-networking commentary in the same manner as comments made in the traditional media [and] anyone in the league can be fined or otherwise sanctioned for posts via Twitter, Facebook, etc., that are deemed over the line," uh, we think we might be on to something. Logic 1, NBA Thinly Veiled Rhetoric 0.

Since we figured NBA ballers are damned if they do and damned if they don't, we promulgated a few of our own expert stipulations to be incorporated into the NBA's new social media handbook. We truly hope they'll take them into consideration when drafting their set of mandates, but we promise to be only mildly miffed if they give us the finger instead.

Social Distortion's Almost-Ten Proposed NBA Social Media Commandments

  1. Thou shalt not disclose or discuss which teammates' wives you're banging on any social network, in the interest of team unity and professional cooperation;
  2. Thou shalt not compare dick sizes - weakly disguised as discussions of shoe sizes, ahem - via public replies on Twitter with members of the NBA, NFL, NHL, NCAA, NRA, NASA, NAFTA, NLGBT, etc., nor shall the aforementioned list be viewed as exhaustive;
  3. Thou shalt not make statements wishing you were playing football, baseball, hockey, cricket, badminton, bitches, with your balls, with your Matchbox cars, etc., 90 minutes before or after each game on any social network;
  4. Thou shalt not create fake Twitter accounts or fake Facebook Fan Pages for WBNA players nor pose as any WBNA player and defame the sport of women's basketball, whether you think it's a sport or not;
  5. Thou shalt not seek out underage girls from the bleachers and/or stands during games and invite them to be your friend on Facebook;
  6. Thou shalt not add to TwitPic, YouTube, Flickr , Ustream, or any other photo sharing, video sharing, or live streaming network, any photos, videos, or live feed of any of the arguably homoerotic post-game rituals with towels that occur in the locker room that call into question your sexual orientation;
  7. Thou shalt not create a web series, webisode, or any internet variety show that shall detract from your duties as the NBA's full-time bitch;
  8. Thou shalt not prevent thy wives, mistresses, girlfriends, lovers, pets, etc. from utilizing your social networks for immediate assistance if you have been a spineless, abusive asshole.

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