Last week, we brought you a short compendium of the dumbest fast food-related crimes, eventually reaching the conclusion that McDonald's Chicken Nuggets make people do crazy, crazy things. (Don't tell me that correlation doesn't imply causation!)
This week, we take a look at the dumb things that meat makes people do. The skyrocketing cost of beef could very well lead to more crimes of the steak-stuffed-down-a-man's-pants variety in the future, so prepare for meat crimes to increase in number as well -- the Internet already has.
After all, there's already an entire Tumblr site devoted to meat crimes.
10. A quick protein boost
We all know the story by now of the man arrested for snacking on raw meat in a Walmart. Wait, you don't? The mostly toothless gentleman above was arrested on charges of felony theft in Pennsylvania after Walmart employees found him eating raw ground beef and hamburger stew, then putting the packages back on the shelves. C'mon, guys...he's got no teeth! He was just tenderizing the meat as a favor to the other customers!
9. Small-town crime blotters are the best
If it weren't for them, we'd never know about the evil masterminds in Cleburne, Texas who made off with a $30 ham from the Red Chew Chew BBQ & Grill. Animals.
8. I thought this only happened in the movies
No one commandeers cars in real life. In real life, that's called carjacking and you get shot. But no one told that to 28-year-old Kayla Hogan (above), who attempted to "commandeer" a man's pickup truck...with his mobile hot dog stand still attached. Even better, Hogan was a dispatcher in the Colorado Springs police communications center with two DUIs under her belt when this happened. She was arrested and charged with attempted aggravated motor vehicle theft, which could get her up to 12 years in prison.
6. I was just defrosting them!
The most unlikeliest excuse ever for shoplifting -- I was just holding the meat in my pants; I wasn't going to take it! -- was offered up by a South Carolina man who was arrested attempting to steal a pack of steaks from a Food Lion. "I have money for the steaks," insisted 35-year-old Scott Horner. "I didn't steal them; I just put them in my pants."
5. No, this didn't happen in Texas
An extremely intoxicated woman in Iowa was arrested after a fight with her neighbors, whom she caught eating her barbecue ribs without permission. (Granted, in Texas this is a crime on par with cattle rustling -- but in Iowa?) Dameka L. Bryant (right) was arrested on charges of fifth-degree criminal mischief and public intoxication after police found her naked except for her bra and underwear, still ready for round two with her barbecue-snatching neighbors.
4. Don't squeeze the Charmin, squeeze the meat instead
A Florida man was arrested after leaving Winn Dixie with $500 of meat in his trunk...and without paying for it. According to the TC Palm, the haul included "beef spare ribs, New York strip, bacon, porterhouse, oxtails, T-bones and pork loin roasts, while three 18 packs of Heineken and five bottles of Moet & Chandon Imperial champagne rounded out the libations." Oh, and a 12-pack of Charmin toilet paper. Because it's not a party without sanitary tissue.
3. Crotch bacon: Mmm...salty
Because the TC Palm makes it a habit of keeping up with strange, meat-related crimes in Florida, we link again to its story about two thieves who tried to abscond with some smoked pork products. A 53-year-old woman was arrested after shoving two packs of bacon into her pants; her 63-year-old accomplice went for the gold by trying to sneak out with three roasts and a steak.
2. A $12 steak that cost seven years
In one of the best/worst headlines about meat-related crimes, the Nashua Telegraph reported on a woman facing prison time over a meat theft thusly: "Woman might have beef with possible prison time." Whomp-whomp. Then again, it does kind of suck to get stuck with seven years in prison over a $12 steak. That's what we call a poor life choice around here.
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1. Steal a van full of vegetables next time, maybe
What's worse? Stealing a van, stealing a van full of nearly $500 in meat, crashing that van almost immediately after your bungling theft or being described as "heavyset" in the police report? All of the above, but especially the part about how all of this sounded like a great idea because you were in the middle of "a three-day cocaine binge." It's like a shittier Very Bad Things with fewer dead hookers.