Last week, we brought you a short compendium of the dumbest fast food-related crimes, eventually reaching the conclusion that McDonald's Chicken Nuggets make people do crazy, crazy things. (Don't tell me that correlation doesn't imply causation!)
This week, we take a look at the dumb things that meat makes people do. The skyrocketing cost of beef could very well lead to more crimes of the steak-stuffed-down-a-man's-pants variety in the future, so prepare for meat crimes to increase in number as well -- the Internet already has.
After all, there's already an entire Tumblr site devoted to meat crimes.
10. A quick protein boost
We all know the story by now of the man arrested for snacking on raw meat in a Walmart. Wait, you don't? The mostly toothless gentleman above was arrested on charges of felony theft in Pennsylvania after Walmart employees found him eating raw ground beef and hamburger stew, then putting the packages back on the shelves. C'mon, guys...he's got no teeth! He was just tenderizing the meat as a favor to the other customers!
9. Small-town crime blotters are the best
If it weren't for them, we'd never know about the evil masterminds in Cleburne, Texas who made off with a $30 ham from the Red Chew Chew BBQ & Grill. Animals.
8. I thought this only happened in the movies
No one commandeers cars in real life. In real life, that's called carjacking and you get shot. But no one told that to 28-year-old Kayla Hogan (above), who attempted to "commandeer" a man's pickup truck...with his mobile hot dog stand still attached. Even better, Hogan was a dispatcher in the Colorado Springs police communications center with two DUIs under her belt when this happened. She was arrested and charged with attempted aggravated motor vehicle theft, which could get her up to 12 years in prison.
7. DTMFA
If your girlfriend responds to your request for a dinner roll by beating you mercilessly with a raw steak, it's time to DTMFA.
6. I was just defrosting them!
The most unlikeliest excuse ever for shoplifting -- I was just holding the meat in my pants; I wasn't going to take it! -- was offered up by a South Carolina man who was arrested attempting to steal a pack of steaks from a Food Lion. "I have money for the steaks," insisted 35-year-old Scott Horner. "I didn't steal them; I just put them in my pants."
