This Week in Deliciousness

Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where we're already training Rocky IV-style for all the rodeo food we're going to have to consume. We've been curling fried-turkey-leg barbells, squatting under the weight of enough chipped beef to crush lesser men, and dragging huge parcels of fried Twinkies through the snow. Long way to go for a Rocky IV joke, but we're not sorry.

We started the week off with some helpful suggestions for Midtown alternatives to Mai's, which burned down last week. It's just not the same if you're not freezing your ass on that bare stone bench outside Mai's before being called in to your table, though.

This guy SEES WHAT YOU ARE DOING. If you don't quit that this instant, you will be banished to Fatbutter. The Best Bites Competition at the Rodeo went swimmingly as usual, which is more than can be said for the businesses of many street vendors, who find themselves facing challenges from city officials and potential customers alike. We can change this, gang. One of you grab a can of paint, one of you start writing heartfelt letters to the local news affiliates, and one of you go you find a boombox and a Corey Hart cassette. We'll have this solved faster than you can say "'80s montage."

The Shameless Chef went grocery shopping while hungry, which of course led to another cheese-splattered abomination. A much more competent experiment had Robb Walsh fashioning a delicious omelet out of some goose eggs. Don't feel bad, vegans; those eggs will no longer be able to grow into cranky, territorial bastards who will attack you while you're out jogging.

Our new feature Tales From the Trenches has been well-received thus far, so if you've got your own stories from the food industry, let's have 'em. TWiD wishes we could find that guy who went to our high school who worked at a buffet and went home one day on his lunch break, gathered up all the pillbugs in his backyard, returned to work, and dumped 'em in the soup. Crunchy! You won't find any of that business going on at the clean and tasty La Guadalupana, nor at the newly revamped, authentinamese Thiem Hung Bakery. Hey, sometimes Greenway Barista leaves great jokes in the comments section, you can't expect us never to steal one or two.

The Rodeo is a great place to try out a whole bunch of wines and then try to rope something. You should always be up for a new experience, especially if it's trying a circumcised hot dog from a Greek restaurant that used to be a Taco Bell. Thanks to new FDA regulations, pretty soon this will be the only way you'll be able to tell whether or not your hot dog is kosher.

Nice headline, Robb. Jesus.

Will posting fast food calorie counts on the menu have an effect on America's obesity problem? We predict it will be about as effective a deterrent as the warning labels on cigarettes. Meaning not at all. Sorry, but when we order a Gargantuanormous Quintuple-Patty CheeseClusterFuck Burgersaurus Rex at Bob's Big Bitch Bastard Burgers 'n' Biscuits, we know full well that we are trading this particular dining experience for the last three months of our lives. By TWiD's count, we should have died seven years ago.

Good news, everyone! Those Girl Scout cookies that smelled and tasted funny are not, nor have they ever been, available here in Houston. And, to make things even better, Robb managed to find some sake that doesn't taste like lizard piss. We're totally having some next time we do karaoke.

We have helpfully numerated many items of late for your perusing convenience, including our five favorite vintage food toys, our five favorite nostalgic foods, the top ten foods to hide in your desk at work, and, of course, the top ten restaurants in Pearland. You know, TWiD worked every day in Pearland for a full year and saw a flock of wild parakeets, but not one single wild pear. Great. Now we've made ourselves sad. Have a fantastic weekend!

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John Seaborn Gray