By Jef With One F
By Rocks Off
By Chris Lane
By Angelica Leicht
By Corey Deiterman
By Angelica Leicht
By Corey Deiterman
HP: Last time we met, you had a different band. What's the lineup these days?
HF: Well, Toomey Starks, basically he quit. Various stories about why, but we think his wife has him chained up to some lawn furniture back of the house, but we haven't actually seen that. We've still got Arthur ["Don't Call Me 'Art'" Dekko] playin' bass, and we added a new guitar player -- a guy named Hoot Bergeron, from Winnie, Texas. Actually he comes from the famous Bergeron family of Winnie -- he's the heir to that huge pecan log fortune. He's a real interesting character -- we've got him playing a left-handed guitar. He's right-handed, but we got a real good deal on this left-handed guitar and he plays it upside down. Then we got us a fourth guy -- we added a fiddle player name of Stubby Johnsen. He is actually from Sweden. He came to our hometown of Bridge City, Texas, as part of a musical exchange program. We sent an air-conditioner repair guy to our sister city of Bridge City, Sweden. He didn't come back 'cause he found out he was gettin' paid the same amount and nobody in Sweden has air conditioning. He was takin' saunas and gettin' massages ever' day. So Stubby -- he kinda got liquored up one day and walked into the Dairy Queen and defected. He said, "I give up, I wanna be a citizen" and he recently got married, so he's got a green card and everything. As far as we know, he's the only semi-legal Swedish immigrant playin' country in the States.
Is that the first Dairy Queen defection?
As far as I know. See, we don't have an embassy or any of that fancy stuff in Bridge City, so the Dairy Queen is actually the highest seat of government. So it sounds kinda random, but if you really think about it, it makes sense.
Of course, y'all have put Bridge City on the map internationally. And I understand y'all have a real big show coming up.
Real interesting story there. There's this buddy o' mine from a long time ago, a comedian named Paul Provenzo He used to date a girl from Bridge City. I hadn't seen the man in, like, 15 years, but I run into him and give him a couple of CDs and he said, "Man, y'all gotta come over to the Edinburgh festival." So we're sittin' there goin', "All right, that's, like, a six-hour drive, you go to Harlingen and make a right. All right, we could rent a van "
Fill up on cheap tacos and huevos rancheros
Right. And then we come to find out it's in another damn country.
Naw! You mean it's across the border!
See, that was my next thought too. I thought it was like Noo-wavo Edinburg. But, naw, it's over in Europe or something. We're gonna fly there, and that's why we're doin' this fund-raiser thing, to try to get money for the trip.
So do they speak English over there?
Not exactly. My cousin has Internet, so I got there and did some research. They have different words for things, but they think we can get by. We're talkin' about hirin' a local translator, and maybe have him sign along with our songs. Then we got thinkin' about, and all of our songs, they just have two different signs. It's either the [rocks hand back and forth as if chugging beer] drinkin' thing, or the [rocks arms back and forth doggy-style] wocka-wocka hubba-hubba thing. So as long as we had him up there we could just give him two posters: the wocka-wocka thing and the chug-a-lug thing. He could hold them up and then they could figure out what we were talkin' about. Kinda like laughter and applause.
Let's talk about that fund-raiser some more. I understand those communist countries over there like to tax Americans to pay for all their socialized medicine and stuff like that.
See, now you're talkin'. Them local guys don't have to pay no airfare, and what's fair about that? So initially we were hopin' that somebody would just give us the plane tickets, but then we realized we didn't know anybody with that kinda money. So we're just gonna have to come up with actual cash.
You're staying over there a month?
Yeah, all of August pretty much. The good part about it is it's not as hot as it is over here. They tell us that it's cooler. You know, we've got a song called "Idaho (But Then I Lost Her)." We wrote that 'cause we had saved up a bunch of money and bought us a time-share in northern Idaho, and we had the use of it in the second two weeks in January. So we tried to drive up there, but we didn't make it. We got snowed in on the highway in Montana. The time-share does look nice in the pictures, though. Anyway, we think the weather in Edinburgh in August is gonna be kinda similar to Idaho in January.