The Prettybads: Please don't take this personally.
The Prettybads: Please don't take this personally.
Jesse Sendejas Jr.

Houston's 10 Worst Band Names

Because there must be balance in the universe, according to any number of Eastern and Western and Star Wars philosophies and religions, anything positive must eventually be met with its darker counterpart. Therefore, in light of Tuesday’s accounting of Houston’s 10 Best Band Names, in which a good time was had by all, the Houston Press feels obliged to present ten more names that, in one way or another, are more of a misfire (and in which we hope not too many feelings get hurt). Please bear in mind that no ill will is intended toward any of these groups, all of whose music is for the most part quite enjoyable. But those names, though…

AK’CHAMEL
No disrespect to the band, which is as experimental and weird as its name would imply, but its name is a pain in the ass to decipher. For starters, it’s not aesthetically pleasing – something about the placement of the apostrophe is just off-putting. Not only that, but every time the name Ak'Chamel comes up, it brings to mind the Chanel fragrance. None of this has anything to do with music.

BANG BANGZ
Look, it's time to face facts. And the fact is a year after you put out your EP, Miley Cyrus released the album Bangerz. Now, unfortunately, that's all anyone's going to think of when he sees Bang Bangz on a lineup. So unless you want to do dream-pop covers of "Wrecking Ball" (side note: we would be okay with this), retire this name.

DECATHECT
There's nothing wrong with a punk act moving its audience from the mosh pit to the bookshelf to check Webster's for a definition of its name, but c'mon, Decathect. Full disclosure: My son drums for this band when it's not on one of its extended hiatuses, and he probably had a hand in its gloomy name. Clinically, this verb describes the act of withdrawing one's feelings of attachment from a person, idea or object in anticipation of its future loss. As an example, it's a person viewing the longtime, now-feeble family pet as little more than a slow-moving piece of furniture to avoid the heartbreak of Fido's inevitable demise. How depressing. Why not "contretemps" or "vicissitude" or some other upbeat multi-point Scrabble word? I will say this — it's an improvement over the original band name, which was "Priapism." Sorry, you're just gonna have to look that one up.

DOWNFALL 2012
We’re guessing this metal band named itself Downfall 2012 to capitalize on the whole fear of the end-of-the-world/doomsday thing that some people actually took seriously a few years back, supposedly based on a loose interpretation of an ancient Mayan calendar that reached the end of a cycle on December 21, 2012. Putting a date in your band’s name always seems a little shortsighted anyway, and we all know now the big date turned out to be a yawn.

GOD FEARING FUCK
Troll: "What farts-for-brains are writing this tripe? Seriously, how can Houston Press list God Fearing Fuck in its Best and Worst Band Names collections? True, you probably are a staff of gassy-brained note-scribblers being individually asked to ponder these matters; and yes, if we readers are lucky, you quipsters haven't built a solid wall of groupthink to block out the valid notions of others. But, still — you're a bunch of morons!”

HP Music: Take that angst with you and watch God Fearing Fuck tonight at Satellite Bar with Oakland's Negative Standards, Sleeping Ancient and Apocalyptic Noise Syndicate. You'll have a good time.

HEL-RAZOR
The music is fantastically brutal from this Houston/Spring thrash-metal band and they do raise some hell onstage, but the name is a little cheesy. It obviously brings to mind the Hellraiser horror movies based on the works of Clive Barker; it’s always better to come up with something a little more original. And that spelling and the hyphen in the middle of the name are odd; taking away a letter l from hell makes it slightly less satanic, and it also looks more like the latest shaving product from Gillette than a band name with that "razor" spelling at the end.

ILL FADED
Oh, Ill Faded, I love your pop-inspired backbeats as much as the next Inner Loop white gal, but that name is a tired, mongrel cliché. If the Vans Warped Tour ever decides to post up in Third Ward, I guess you'll be prepared, but until then, maybe try another name?

KISS ALIKE
KISS is a terrible band with a terrible name. KISS ALIKE is a damn good cover outfit dedicated to a terrible band. May as well go with a terrible moniker to pay tribute to one of the more overrated bands of the past 50 years.

LIL' [INSERT NAME HERE]
No disrespect to Flip, Keke, Troy, Trey or others whose rap skills have loomed large over Houston for years, but why would one choose to be Lil when one could be Big? This seems especially counterintuitive in the rap game, where one-upmanship is a common theme. It's okay if places like Louisiana (Wayne, Boosie) want to be Lil, but this is Houston. You don't see Mattress Mac shouting about saving you "lil" money or Joel Osteen inviting you to his quaint church. Here's hoping all the Lil's will join Moe, Pokey, K.R.I.T., Fatts and others to show the world how Big we can be.

THE PRETTYBADS
The Prettybads must be included in this list because of false advertising. They aren't bad; in fact, they're pretty good, particularly if you're a fan of old-school punk-rock acts like Ramones and Misfits. We caught them opening for Michale Graves recently and were impressed by how much energy the three-piece band was producing. If you need to see for yourself, they're hosting a six-band show and costume contest this Saturday at The Blue Giraffe in Old Town Spring.

SKELETON DICK
Skeleton Dick? Everyone knows there's no bone in the boner! But do these punk rockers care? No, sirree. They're content to confuse their fan base, using music as a distraction to preach their anatomical lies. Houston shouldn't be subjected to this kind of inflammatory teaching, but with the liberal media pushing its agenda, Skeleton Dick is likely to thrive and prosper. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Written by Chris Gray, Clint Hale, Matthew Keever, David Rozycki, Jesse Sendejas Jr. and Katie Sullivan

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