What Should Have Happened at Taylor Swift's Houston Show

What Should Have Happened at Taylor Swift's Houston Show
Photo by Jack Gorman

Wednesday night, Taylor Swift brought her outsized 1989 World Tour to Minute Maid Park. The tour, which kicked off on Cinco de Mayo in Tokyo, Japan, and has grossed more than $130 million, has managed to keep itself in the press all summer because of the many varied and impressive guest stars Swift has brought out onstage throughout its run. Many of those guests have been city-specific — Kobe Bryant in LA, Russell Wilson in Seattle, The Blair Witch at that one random show she played deep in the haunted Maryland woods. And so, of course, we were hoping the Internet-savvy Swift would take Twitter up on its suggestion that she bring out Bun B. Or, you know, some other hometown hero of note.

Instead, we got...Wiz Khalifa, because — who knows? Below we have cobbled together 20 things we would’ve loved to have seen from the Pop Princess at her live Houston show — real, personalized showstopper guest appearances or H-Town-specific gestures that would’ve kept the city talking for years on end. Maybe next time.

KEN LAY COMES OUT OF HIDING
Former Enron exec Ken Lay isn’t dead, it turns out. He’s been in hiding. Taylor, also a part of the Illuminati, knows this, and somehow coaxes The Smartest Guy in the Room out of his lavish den of secrecy to perform Kanye West’s “I Am a God.” “For one night, Houston,” she tells the crowd, “let’s turn Minute Maid Park back into Enron Field!”

DOMINIQUE SACHSE AND BILL BALLEZA
The two come onstage and read a sobering report of how many warehouse fires have raged throughout Houston in the weeks preceding the show.

SAM CASSELL!
The former Rockets star who won a championship his first two years with the team in ‘94 and ‘95, comes out during “Trouble” to do a supermodel catwalk ala Taylor’s besties Gigi Hadid and Karlie Kloss.

FREE EARL CAMPBELL SAUSAGE
Everyone in attendance gets one!

HAKEEM OLAJUWON
As a surprise to concertgoers, Taylor uses her considerable clout to get the former Rockets superstar to personally hand-wash the car of whoever is in seat 19, row 89.

MATTRESS MACK!
Mack comes out to cover “Bad Blood,” dedicating it to any furniture dealer in Houston who has ever given out a back-back-back-back order slip!

"THE TIGHTEN UP"
Taylor opens and closes her set with the Archie Bell & the Drells hit, “Houston’s official theme song.”

MAYOR ANNISE PARKER
As an encore, Taylor brings out the mayor, who signs into law a bill to keep Craig Hlavaty’s “Between the Lines” Newsfix segments off the Houston airwaves for time immemorial.

SCREWED UP TAYLOR
In a tribute to DJ Screw, Taylor plays her entire set drunk off syrup and at one-quarter speed.

A GARISH OUTFIT
Taylor dresses up like Marvin Zindler and closes every remaining cathouse in Houston.

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JEREMY LIN
“Houston, please welcome a guy you know and love. And who was available.”

PERSONAL HOUSTON ANECDOTE FILLED WITH PLACES WE RECOGNIZE
“This morning I dashed into Antidote for a cup of steaming hot Joe,” Taylor tells the crowd. “I walked around downtown. I hit up Warren’s, and La Carafe — Houston’s oldest bar. I took a piss in a safe at Houston Watch Company, and paid everyone’s tab at OKRA because this month’s charity is one that’s close to my heart. I was nearly run over by light rail! Love you, Houston!”

ANOTHER HAW
Not content to let Drake hog the Houston spotlight, Taylor announces her own Houston Appreciation Weekend, which will take place at Underbelly.

"GOTH A LONG LISH OF EX-LUTHERS"
Taylor performs her entire show with a specially made TV Johnny grill in her mouth. Paul Wall comes out and gives her the first ever “Internet Goin’ Nuts” award.

ZZ TOP
Because it’s getting to the end of this list and we’ve not mentioned them yet.

ALL APOLOGIES
In an unprecedented move, Taylor brings the members of Blue October onstage to personally apologize to Houston for claiming to ever be from here.

ASTROS
Taylor brings out The Killer Bs — Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell, Lance Berkman, Carlos Beltran — to perform “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

“STILL TIPPIN'"
Taylor brings out Mike Jones, Slim Thug, Paul Wall onstage for a panel discussion about how oligarchs are ruining the city they once loved.

HOUSTON LIVESTOCK SHOW AND RODEO
Taylor brings out every head of cattle that will be auctioned off at the rodeo this year and sets it free to run through the streets of downtown

BEYONCE
As a final act, Taylor brings out Beyonce, and you forget all that came before her.

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