I think it’s sweet that everyone wants to celebrate April 22nd by
planting a vegetable garden or limiting their use of Stryofoam or only
buying fur coats made from ugly animals, but can we please stop calling
it “Earth Day?” Sure, we’re able to survive on the planet thanks to an
improbable combination of solar positioning and mammalian evolution, but
it should be obvious by now that the Earth hates us and wants us all to
die. We might as well have a holiday dedicated to Ming the Merciless, or
Lex Luthor.
Don’t believe me? Fine, ask the dinosaurs, or check out these movies:
5. Volcano (1997)
Most Hollywood disaster movies are wonderfully narcissistic. To wit:
would anybody east of I-15 really care if Los Angeles was buried under
molten lava (excepting those of you really looking forward to that
Norbit sequel, I guess)? The NFL would certainly be unfazed.
4. Poseidon (1996)
Cruise ship passengers are more likely to die of salmonella poisoning or
boredom than they are a “rogue wave.” Still, if there’s any consolation
to be had here, it’s the knowledge that at least Fergie was among the
deceased.
3. The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
As if the idea of Dennis Quaid as a scientist wasn’t ridiculous enough,
check out the part of this clip where the trained meteorologist responds
to a tornado warning by…wait for it…standing in front of a massive
plate glass window.
2. The Core (2003)
What’s great about this movie isn’t the ridiculous Edgar Rice Burroughs
premise, but rather the assumption — made at the time — that Hilary
Swank was somehow above the source material. Such questions aren’t
brought up so much anymore after The Black Dahila, Freedom
Writers, and The Reaping.
1. When Time Ran Out (1980)
It’s the only movie Paul Newman ever “made for the money” (and he used
that same money to start his salad-dressing business), and was also the
vehicle by which William Holden, Ernest Borgnine, and Red Buttons all
voided their contract with disaster maestro Irwin Allen, one of the few
who truly comprehended our antagonistic relationship with our home
planet. Earth finally got her revenge, as Allen died soon after the
film’s release.
This article appears in Apr 16-22, 2009.
