You have probably heard the old saying "March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb." Obviously, whoever came up with this concept never lived in Houston, Texas. There is no doubt that the weather this past winter, if we can even call it winter, has been odd. Freezing days turned into long streaks of thunder and rainstorms, which led into unheard-of blazingly hot temperatures; a few weeks ago it even sleeted for a hot minute. As of late, the end of February has been pretty blasé. Warm weather and then warmer weather.
Comparing March to a lion should mean blustery days, bone-chilling temperatures and roaring winds. Given our recent track record, it is very doubtful that H-town will see much of that in the coming month.
Are all lions this boring? No, not really. Most lions will tear you limb from limb if given the chance. There are, however, those "other" lions. There are those lions that are posers of what a lion should be, those lions that might as well just be big, dumb cats. They so cannot be taken seriously for lack of any lion-like qualities that they make you want to emphatically shout "pussy" at them and not mean it in the cat way. Those lions are how March in Houston will be. Lame.
There have been some seriously lame lions to grace our culture over the years. Here are our top five.
5. Lambert, the Sheepish Lion
Poor Lambert. Instead of being raised by his own kind, he was mistakenly dropped off by the stork fromDumbo
to live with a flock of sheep.Lambert
is something of an ugly duckling story, except unlike the duck-turned-beautiful-swan who could only stick it to the ducks with her newfound beauty, Lambert turned into a lion and should have transformed into the mortal enemy of his family and devoured each one of them. Naturally, he does not eat his sheep cousins, but that would have been a real plot twist.
4. Clarence, the Cross-Eyed Lion
Clarence, the Cross-Eyed Lion was a film released in 1965 that focused on the bizarre relationship between a vet and a cross-eyed lion. Due to his ocular obstacles, Clarence is unable to hunt and is taken in by the vet and his family. The movie spawned a television show entitled Daktari that ran for four seasons. As in the movie, Clarence on the television show was cross-eyed and, according to certain sources, needed a body double because he got freaked out when trucks drove by and just couldn't act. Despite how this may make you feel about the ineptitude of Clarence, you should know that he has a Facebook page. Does that make you think less of him or more? 3. The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz
You might think the Cowardly Lion should be number one on this list, but he does have some redeeming qualities. For one, he sounds like he hails from Hoboken, New Jersey, and there is a tough-guy stigma to being from the Garden State. He does somewhat redeem himself by the end ofThe Wizard of Oz
, saving Dorothy and all. Despite these minor achievements, Cowardly just spends way too much of the movie convincing us otherwise. He is a scaredy-cat, and even worse, he never stops talking about it. C'mon, guy, at least pretend you have a pair of balls.2. Prince John from Disney's Robin Hood
In the Disney version ofRobin Hood
, a lion portrays the sniveling Prince John. He is not a regal, imposing lion as one might expect an heir to the throne to be. No, Prince John is a rotten, corrupt, conniving, spoiled lion brat. And he constantly sucks his thumb and calls for his mom.1.Vincent from Beauty and the Beast, television show
In the late 1980s, someone smoked crack and then walked into a CBS pitch meeting. Since they had forgotten everything they had wanted to say, they thought of the first thing their drug-influenced brain could come up with. "It's like Beauty and the Beast, but in New York City, uhh... and the beast is like half-lion/half-human and uhh...Linda Hamilton!" (this could be an exaggeration).
How someone at CBS green-lit this bizarre premise is perplexing. Throughout the 56 episodes of this show, Vincent, the lionesque, beastly character played by Ron Perlman, certainly shows heroism. He saves Hamilton's character any number of times. But why does he have to be so damn metro? How many times does a lion/beast need to talk about his feelings? Doesn't he know real men/beasts don't have feelings? Be the beast everyone already thinks you are and rip apart a homeless person.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.