It’s Primary Day! Will Senator John Cornyn avoid a runoff? Who will square off in the Republican race for attorney general? Will voter turnout surpass a whopping 12 percent?
The arrival of the primary also signals the end of campaign advertising. That’s a real shame, because — at least as far as the Republican ads go — watching the candidates scramble to prove themselves the most concerned about border security and/or terrified of illegal immigrants is entertaining.
Most amusing to me was the number of candidates vowing to “fight Obama.” Mostly they’re referring to the Affordable Care Act, but there are also references to our state’s unique “Texas-ness,” and how each particular candidate will best resist the Socialist-in-Chief’s infernal federal meddling.
But because political nuance is lost on me, I decided to see if I could figure out which of the candidates promising to “fight Obama” really could. Fight Obama, I mean.
First, let’s take a look at the Champ:
Name: Barack Obama
AKA: “POTUS,” “Barry Hussein” (in villain mode), “The Kenyan Krusher”
Height: 6′ 1″
Weight: 184
Reach: 76″
Running For: Nothing. In his second term, he’s probably just hoping to a) make it out alive, and b) avoid war with Russia.
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: Obama is fairly quick and athletic, and also has the Secret Service, who would probably gun down anybody attempting to attack him.
Why He Wouldn’t: It was The Audacity of Hope, not The Audacity of Rope-a-Dope.
Name: John Cornyn
AKA: “Big Bad John,” “Not So Cool Whip”
Height: 6′ 2″(?)
Weight: 195
Reach: 74″
Running For: U.S. Senate
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: Trinity University’s “outstanding intramural athlete” also wrestled and threw discus. His right hand is also titanium steel.
Why He Wouldn’t: Don’t count out the possibility of Ted Cruz slipping him a mickey before the bout.
Name: David Dewhurst
AKA: “The Sun Devil,” “The Good Uncle” Height: 6′ 5″
Weight: 210
Reach: 77″
Running For: Lt. Governor
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: He’s got the reach, and impressive hair for an old dude.
Why He Wouldn’t: Dewhurst is 68 and has probably lost a step, plus he won’t be allowed to bring his Hall of Fame roping skills into play.
Name: Dan Patrick
AKA: “Mom Jeans,” “Friend of Dorothy” Height: 5′ 10″(?)
Weight: 190
Reach: 68″
Running For: Lt. Governor
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: Those impressive chompers could deliver a Mike Tyson style ear bite.
Why He Wouldn’t: Conservative talk radio hosts aren’t exactly known for their healthy lifestyles or athletic physiques.
Name: Dan Branch
AKA: “Captain Eyebrows,”
Height: 6′ 1″(?)
Weight: 175
Reach: 74″
Running For: Attorney General
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: Branch resembles a more sophisticated George W. Bush, who had no problem being declared the winner of contests he’d clearly lost.
Why He Wouldn’t: Marquess of Queensberry Rules clearly forbid the use of that shotgun Branch is so fond of toting in his commercials.
Name: Ken Paxton
AKA: “No Relation,” “Dishonest Ken“
Running For: Attorney General
Height: 5′ 10″
Weight: 190
Reach: 68″
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: The size of Paxton’s cranium leads me to believe he can take severe punishment, a la Homer Simpson.
Why He Wouldn’t: Before tiring of punching, Obama might simply draw a red line Paxton — like Assad — will be physically unable to cross.
Name: Todd Staples
AKA: “The Toddfather,” “Mr. Excitement”
Running For: Lt. Governor
Height: 5′ 9″
Weight: 160
Reach: 66″
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: It’s actually hard to imagine Staples winning any contest requiring physical prowess.
Why He Wouldn’t: See above.
Name: Jerry Patterson
AKA: “J-Patz,” “The Liberty Guy” (presumably no relation to “The Panicky Guy“)
Running For: Lt. Governor
Height: 6′ 2″(?)
Weight: 180
Reach: 76″
Why He’d Win A Fistfight: While getting on in years (are we allowed to elect someone to office in this state if they were born after 1960?), Patterson’s Vietnam experience would prove formidable should the melee take place in a jungle.
Why He Wouldn’t: Patterson would be especially vulnerable to the curb stomp while reaching for that .22 he keeps in his boot.
This article appears in Feb 27 – Mar 5, 2014.
