Most music publications typically field press releases from publicists far and wide, and the Houston Press is no exception. We receive more than our fair share; most are standard music-industry fodder, but occasionally we get some real bangers — announcements written with such fever-pitched marketing overkill, they’re more comical than cool. Think hyperbolic quotes like “…a metal band like no one has ever heard on the Earth throughout documented history!” or the even more hyperbolic “guaranteed to melt faces for generations to come!” You get the idea.
My personal favorites are apocalyptic calls for total destruction via amplifier, like “Check out band X’s new video that is killing entire populations with ear-splitting terror across Europe’s black-metal market and beyond!” It’s the kind of aggressively bad persuasive writing your high-school English teacher warned you about. And band names can be just as cringey. After receiving a press release for a band called Infected Rain, no lie, we decided a list of the worst metal band names we could find was in order.
Sorry, Infected Rain, but you gotta admit when your band name literally sounds like a medicinal douche, something’s wrong here. Enjoy our top 15 picks for the worst of the worst.
TWIZTID
See also: Enuff Z’Nuff, Korn, Staind
Phonetic or creative spelling attempts aside, this name feels like the Fantasy Football version of metal written by 12-year-old boys.
MÖTLEY CRÜE
Any band with more than one ümläüt automatically makes this list.
MUSHROOM HEAD
Or any other phallus-inspired title, like Limp Bizkit, Meatloaf, Tool or anything remotely referring to some dude’s junk. No thanks.
KISSING CANDICE
Or Asking Alexandria, Jane’s Addiction or anything else with a woman’s name in it.
HELLYEAH
Um, okay. Let’s imagine the brainstorming session that inspired this brown nugget: “You wanna form a band?” I suppose this answer was better than the alternative: “YEAH, I GUESS SO.”
INFANT ANNIHILATOR
See also Dying Fetus, etc.
Pretty much any name about killing children is probably distasteful at the least. Shock value is cheap entertainment, but let’s not kid ourselves. These dudes are undoubtedly giving each other high-fives for this one. We get it, fellas.
IWRESTLEDABEARONCE
For the want of spacing! Was this originally a hashtag, perhaps? The title alone is irritating and elicits a mundane “cool story, bro” response. If it feels like they just didn’t try hard enough, they didn’t.
RAINBOW
Perhaps the most un-metal name for the most metal band ever recorded — what were they thinking? Perhaps a stab at ironic labeling? Only God knows.
RATT
See also: Papa Roach, other vermin-inspired names
First of all, it’s named after a rat, which is so gross. Second, it has two “T”s. That’s at least ten points off. Same for you, Puddle of Mudd. No, no, no.
FEED HER TO THE SHARKS
See also: Great White, Goatsnake, Scorpions, Black Cobra, Red Fang, Whitesnake, White Lion, Steel Panther, WASP or any other venomous/aggressive animal
This isn’t a football team, for crying out loud; you don’t require a mascot. Why is it a HER? Why not feed HIM? Or the entire band? THROW ALL THEIR ASSES IN THE OCEAN ALREADY, OKAY?
NECROMANCE
Or really, any Christian band that disingenuously poses as a dark-metal band. Nothing displeases Lord Satan more than those pretending to be his subjects while secretly proselytizing about the good Lord baby Jesus. Stay in your lane, Bible Boy.
BONGZILLA
See also: Weedeater, Taste of Garlic, Bongripper, Acid King, Stoned Jesus
We get it. No, we REALLY get it. We see your hacky sack and dreads. Carry on, wayward son, Colorado beckons!
ANGEL WITCH
See also, Acid Witch, Bell Witch, Ditch Witch, All Them Witches, Witch Mountain, Witch, Witchfinder General, Coven, Electric Wizard, Wolf Mother, Burning Witch, etc.
It’s no secret that doom/stoner metal is bedfellows with occult rock, but can we get some diversity in nomenclature?
NE OBLIVISCARIS Latin for do not forget— this band’s name is not only unreadable for most red-blooded Americans, it’s also a pain in the arse to pronounce. Never heard of them? That’s because no one can say the damn thing correctly. Worse, they’re touring with a band called Allegaeon. What? Allegra? Allergies? Alligator? I give up.
ANTHRAX
See also: Gemini Syndrome, Leprosy, Neurosis, Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Peste Noir, etc.
Any band named after a disease is asking — no, begging — to be included here. Wish granted, boys.
Runners-Up: Those unreadable black metal band names that look like they were written with sticks in the mud. Just stop that already.
This article appears in Sep 21-27, 2017.
