Jury selection began this morning in the aggravated assault trial of country legend Billy Joe Shaver, who was charged after he shot a man in the face outside of a Lorena bar in 2007. Shaver’s attorney, Dick DeGuerin, maintains Shaver shot Billy Bryant Coker in self-defense. All Hair Balls knows is, any time two dudes who go by their first and middle names exchange words outside a bar, things will get ugly. According to reports, Shaver allegedly asked Coker “Where do you want it?” before shooting him in the cheek and driving away.
We just hope the outlaw country godfather will get a fair trial — and the Constitution says he’s entitled to a trial by a jury of his peers. So just who would his peers be? Why, other singers and musicians who have fucked shit up. Some of these folks would be perfect, even though certain things like being dead would disqualify them from jury duty. And just to be fair to prosecutors, we’ve not used any country singers, although they do tend to break the law from time to time too.
Notorious B.I.G.
In 1995, Mr. Biggie Smalls was charged with assault in Manhattan after he allegedly grew frustrated with a pair of autograph seekers and decided to display his ire by chasing them with a baseball bat. “God ain’t known no greater sinner,” Shaver once sang. We thing Biggie would understand.
Sid Vicious
Did music’s least-talented bass player really stab his junkie groupie
girlfriend to death in the Chelsea Hotel? Sadly, Vicious overdosed
before a trial could take place, so we’ll never know for
sure. Maybe Nancy Spungeon committed suicide. Or maybe a masked, winged
intruder fluttered into the hotel room for a quick stabbin’ before
flying away. But for a few days, Vicious knew what it was like to live
as a suspected murderer. That surely wins him a seat in the jury box.
Amy Winehouse
This walking, talking poster-child for the ravages of crack use was
acquitted in 2009 on assault charges for allegedly punching a fan in the
eye after, of all things, a charity ball. We’re just not sure if she
would be able to stay awake for the duration of a trial.
Chris Brown
In 2009, Brown found out the hard way that if you hit just one girlfriend one time, you’re forever branded a monster.
GG Allin & Rick James
These two musical geniuses were both accused of raping and torturing
women over periods of several days. Allin ultimately pleaded no contest
to aggravated assault (reportedly “with intent to mutilate”)
after, Allin said, he and a female companion participated in some
mutual cuttin’ and blood drinkin’. As for Mr. James, he wound up serving
two years in Folsom for holding a 24-year-old woman hostage (with the
help of his fellow crack-loving girlfriend) and raping her when he
wasn’t burning her with the business end of a crack pipe. These dudes
would totally belong on any jury.
Keith Moon
One of rock’s greatest drummers was also one of its supreme assholes.
While Moon would qualify for this jury duty on the basis of (allegedly)
breaking a girlfriend’s nose three times, we’ve listed him for the
singular feat of accidentally running over his chauffeur in 1970. That’s
just fucked up.
Of course, we’re sure the 12 folks who wind up judging Shaver’s fate
will be equally qualified. We’ll just have to wait and see what they
decide.
This article appears in Apr 1-7, 2010.
