Dane Cook Shouldn't Be Selling Baseball. Or Anything Else.

I know we have a Miss Pop Rocks around to handle the pop culture stuff, and to ask the important questions of life. But I can’t take it anymore, and I’ve got to have my say.

If you’re like me, you’ve been watching lots of TBS the past week or so, mainly because MLB signed a contract with TBS for the right to show the playoffs. And while TBS’s coverage hasn’t been the best in the world, at least that’s one less week of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, which is a good thing. Trust me.

TBS’s coverage of baseball isn’t my problem – though, really, why doesn’t somebody just go pull up NBC’s coverage from the 70s and 80s? It’s amazing, kind of. It’s like Vin Scully realized there was this magical box type thing capturing images of the game and magically teleporting these images across the country so that people could actually see what he was seeing, so he would occasionally shut up every now and then and let the pictures tell the story.

But like I said, TBS’s coverage isn’t my problem – though, I swear, one more Frank TV commercial and I’m going to go all Jack Nicholson on Frank Caliendo’s car.

No, my problem is not with TBS. It’s with Major League Baseball. If you’ve been watching the games, you’ve probably noticed there are lots of commercials about baseball and the meaning of baseball and the power of the playoffs, blah, blah, blah. (True, there’s not as many of these commercials as there are commercials for Frank TV, but I’ve digressed one too many times.)

Here’s my thing: If you’re watching the Red Sox sweep the Angels in three games, you don’t need a commercial attesting to the power of playoff baseball. That’s probably why you’re watching. You know all about Kirk Gibson and Carlton Fisk, and you know who the young kids are on the D-Backs (though isn’t it kind of interesting that none of them mention any of the young kids with the Rockies?) You know the history of the Red Sox and the Yankees. Every pitch. Every bat. Yeah, I know. I’ve been watching baseball all of my life.

That’s probably why you’re watching these games. That’s why I’m watching these games. You don’t need someone reminding you of this in a commercial every half-inning or so. I know I don’t.

I especially don’t need F***CKING Dane Cook telling me this.

Really, DANE COOK?

It’s still amazing that anybody finds this guy to be funny in the first place. And it’s amazing that this guy continues to work – especially after this whole ripping off other comics thing. It’s amazing that this no-talent hack makes major movies with Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba. (Jeez, the guy even rips off one of the most famous magazine covers in history. Does he do anything original?) Who next, Jessica Biel? It’s even more amazing that people think he can be a dramatic actor. Maybe that’s why JKevin Costner cast him as a co-star, so that he would look good in comparison.

And just what made someone think Dane Cook would be the best person to sell the world on baseball? I swear, when I see the guy on something, I change channels. Hell, I believe the fall of Entourage can be traced to that awful Dane Cook show that aired after it on HBO.

Really, someone, help me out here. What is it about this guy? What is it that keeps getting him work? Does he have photos of various casting directors? And what is it that makes the people responsible for marketing the MLB playoffs think he’s the best guy to sell their product? Bill Murray used to be a part-owner of a minor league baseball team, did they try him? If they’re trying for the coolness factor, nothing’s cooler than Bill Murray.

And if you want to sell baseball to a bunch of guys, then throw Jessica Alba out onto a bare stage wearing just a bikini. We’ll watch whatever she tells us to watch – well, except for Frank TV.

But Dane Cook?

Dane Cook.

I don’t get it. No one I know gets it. What is it about this guy? Is there someone out there who actually thinks he’s funny? Or that he’s got any talent?

Oh, before I go, do you want another reason to be glad that the Yankees lost last night? With the Yankees gone, they’re no longer going to stop the game for 20 minutes in the middle of the seventh inning so that Ronan Tynan can sing the unknown verses to “God Bless America.” (And why is it that the networks feel compelled to stick around and cover this? When the games are in Cleveland or Phoenix or Denver or Boston, TBS goes to the studio.)

I feel better now. I had to get that out of my system. And I apologize to Miss Pop Rocks for getting into her territory. Please feel free to return to hot lesbian action. — John Royal