Houston Astrologers Pick The Presidential Race

Some of you nervously awaiting the presidential election are lying fetal, with some type of bottle in your mouth (Dems, most likely); some of you are side-swiping every car you see with an opposing candidate’s bumper sticker (Reps, you betcha).

But I’m here to tell ya: You’re not going to be happy with whomever gets elected, and it all boils down to one reason. No, it’s not the 90% Bush voting-track record or the Arab terrorist candidate who’s gonna make us all get on our knees every day at sunset, facing the east.

It’s all because the moon goes void-of-course election day. During such periods, you’re not happy with what you buy, so don’t buy anything big, like a world leader.

That aspect is the primary hangup to Election 2008 given by the majority of Houston’s finest astrologers. I abstain from handicapping the election because the moon’s doing that (rim shot).

Seriously, I kept butting up against conflicting and confusing markers. Like, John McCain and Barack Obama and the United States each have a notable point at 22 Virgo, which just happens to be hit by an opposition of Uranus, the planet of sudden change, and Saturn, which rules the hierarchy and infrastructure – that opposition is exact on Election Day, and is the first of five such hits over the months to come.

It’s also in an uncomfortable aspect with Neptune, the planet that rules illusion (and drugs and heavy drinking, fyi). So buy stock in Smirnoff, ‘cause we won’t be able to afford Ketel One or Gray Goose!

I turned to Houston’s best astrologers to forecast the outcome of this volatile election. Don’t shoot the messenger, and keep in mind you can’t align their forecasts with their personal politics.

At Marva’s Psychic Fairs, held at the Galleria La Quinta every first Saturday of the month, Marva says McCain will win, but there likely will be “dirty tricks” in the accounting of the votes, a la 2000. Plus, Mercury’s retrograde on Inauguration Day—that’s what helped make Election Day 2000 a FUBAR situation (along with, many say, SCOTUS).

That pretty well sums it up for the majority of Houston’s finest polled at a recent meeting, including Lilly Roddy, who writes a monthly astro column for OutSmart.

But Kevin Casey, who works at Body, Mind and Soul, is a maverick. He predicts Obama will win, because the moon will go into Aquarius just as many polls close. The Illinois senator has a key point of his birth chart in that sign, the sign of community affairs and mankind as a whole.

While Sarah Palin’s sun sign is in Aquarius, it’s well-known that a moon sign trumps the sun, regarding a skill set one is trying to develop. We are said to be born with the elements of our moon sign, just like our autonomous nervous system; the sun sign represents what we strive to learn in this life.

Casey leaves astrology for his closing argument: “Because he’s raised all those funds, it shows he can get something done.”

Common sense is always advised. Astrology is like a weather forecast – you have the free will to decide whether to put on the raincoat or leave it at home. Whatever happens Tuesday, it’s not as though we’re going to be rescued in the next four years; something’s going to rain down pretty hard on us.

Will you be able to navigate in the sole 40-foot sailboat you weren’t forced to divest, or will you have enough scratch for a polyurethane tarp from the 99-cent Store?

Questions for Astro Rant? NOT about the election, puh-lease. Write: Figgy.Jones@gmail.com.

— Figgy Jones