Alright class, settle down. We have a lot of work to do, as we were all off last week. Today’s vocabulary lesson only includes canine breeds available for adoption at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care — we didn’t want to blow anyone’s mind the first day back. But you still need to pay attention. Bobby, what did I just say?! Do you have something to share with the rest of the class, young man? That’s what I thought. Now, eyes up front. That includes you, Samantha. Do I have to confiscate that iPhone? Remember what I said the first day of class — eyes in the back of my head.
Today’s first word is “Nina” (A1006410)
n. 1. An animal of the family Canidae; specifically a white and brown pit bull, approximately six months old.
2. An unusually sweet, outgoing dog whose breed unfortunately scares away ignorant people.
adj. 1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of a dog owner who gives up a dog because he/she has “too many.” [from the Latin ownerus dickheadinus]
Our second word is “Clark” (A1006837)
n. 1. A mixed-breed canine with dominant dachshund features, with brown and black coloring, and aged approximately one year.
2. A stray, heartworm-positive dog who’s obviously had a rough go of it and deserves a freaking break.
v. 1. The act of a dude getting laid by a really hot chick if said male adopted a Clark. [ex: Did you see John’s cute new dog? I’m totally going to clark him tonight.]
Word number three: “Chucha” (A1007007)
n. 1. An animal of the family Canidae; specifically, a brindle and white catahoula, approximately nine months old.
2. A dog surrendered because its owner had “too many.” syn: Nina
3. A dog who, if there really is a god, will find a home soon.
Our fourth word is “Cain” (A1006598)
n. 1. An animal of the family Canidae; specifically, a brown boxer mix, approximately one year old.
v. 1. The act of surrendering a dog subsequent to relocation. [ex: Can you believe Gary cained that awesome dog? What an ownerus dickheadinus!]
And number five is “Penelope” (A1007131)
n. 1. A stray canine whose characteristics include harrier mixture, with white and tan coloring, aged approximately six months.
adj. 1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of a creature
whose cuteness and preciousness is unrecognizable only to sociopaths,
Disney villains, and people born without heads.
Our sixth word is “Jolie” (A1006378)
n. 1. An animal of the family Canidae; specifically, a black and white pug.
2. A dog who celebrated her (approximately) sixth birthday alone
as a stray in this cruel cruel world, surviving on her own despite
testing low-positive for heartworms.
3. A dog whose age should earn her a spot at the head of the line.
And finally, number seven is “Patrick” (A1007004)
n. 1. A freakishly adorable little dude exhibiting
the characteristics of a wire-haired terrier, usually seen with tan and
white coloring, and usually aged two years.
2. Any animal of the family Canidae who, if given the ability to
speak, would undoubtedly say “Seriously — you’re not going to adopt this?”
adj. 1. Possessing the cuteness required in most big-studio
major motion pictures featuring dogs who can talk and/or play
basketball. [ex: “Warners green-lighted Turner & Hooch 2: The
Reckoning. Hanks signed on; now all we need is a dog with real
patricknesses to really pack ’em in,” super-agent Ari Emanuel told Variety.]
Oh, and before we forget, we have one more vocab word, which is “Robyn Arouty.”
n. 1. A kick-ass photographer whose dedication to the critters at BARC deserves mondo kudos.
This article appears in Oct 22-28, 2009.
