Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to alleviate the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care’s crowded conditions while welcoming a loving, loyal, possibly slobber-ridden companion into your life. Attached are the photos of your primary targets. If you or any team member are caught or killed, the Secretary of Hair Balls will not only disavow any knowledge of your actions, but we will also kick your ass. This website will self-destruct in five seconds. Just kidding. Wouldn’t that be nuts?
TARGET #1 SAMMY (A1005166)
Stats: Neutered, black/brown rottweiler mix, approximately one year old
Background: Stray
Special skills: Looking cute; quantum mechanics
Secretary’s notes: Be especially careful of target’s face, the cuteness of which has proven fatal in the past.
TARGET #2 HONEY (A1007305)
Stats: Female black lab retreiver, approximately two years old
Background: Target’s owner was key operative in the BI Team’s
nemesis organization, Deceptive Organized Underground Criminal
Henchmen’s Enterprise (D.O.U.C.H.E). When owner was captured, target
was surrendered.
Special skills: Sniffing crotches; fluent in Portuguese
Secretary’s note: Target possesses unusually wide, heart-melting eyes. Approach with caution.
TARGET #3 RHYS (A1007589)
Stats: Male, black and brown German shepherd, approximately one year old
Background: Stray
Special skills: Ability to peer straight into your soul; blogging
Secretary’s note: Target tested low-positive for heartworms.
This does not mean target is unworthy of acquisition — check out those
fucking ears!
TARGET #4 BRENDON (A1006304)
Stats: Male, black and white labrador retreiver, approximately two years old
Background: Stray
Special skills: Target possesses ability to look as if made out of chocolate
Secretary’s note: Seriously — how could you not adopt this freaking dog?
TARGET #5 RIDGES (A0999774) ***TOP PRIORITY***
Stats: Spayed brindle rottweiler mix, approximately two years old
Background: Stray
Special skills: Breaking hearts; making people cry over the world’s injustice
Secretary’s note: Target tested high-positive for heartworms and is
extremely depressed. Used to be more upbeat and active, but lately
target has come to realize time is running out. The BI Team’s chief
photographer knew what she was doing when she selected #5 — target is
extremely valuable. Proceed with all deliberate speed.
TARGET #6 CHRIS (A1007596)
Stats: Male, black/white labrador retriever, approximately five months old
Background: Stray
Special skills: Looking sullen; karate
Secretary’s note: At only five months, target undoubtedly possesses
plenty of energy and pizazz. Other things possessing pizazz
include: lava lamps, acrylic nails, certain clowns, carpeted toilet
seats, the Bedazzler, jumbo car-dealership advertising balloons, and
David Bowie.
TARGET #7 CASSY (A0995973)
Stats: Spayed tortie domestic, approximately six months old
Background: Surrendered by owner, a D.O.U.C.H.E. operative
Special skills: Cuddling; extreme irony
Secretary’s note: Now that’s what we call a cat!
TARGET #8 DONNA (A0997386)
Stats: Spayed gray tabbie shorthair, approximately three years old
Background: Stray
Special skills: Chillaxin’ on leopard-print cushions; dentistry
Secretary’s note: Proceed with extreme caution — target’s eyes have been known to hypnotize.
TARGET #9 MOMA (A1000257)
Stats: Spayed black domestic short-hair, approximately two years old
Background: Owner surrendered target when landlord discovered owner
violated apartment complex’s “No Asshats” clause and owner had to
relocate.
Special skills: Sweetness; affection; certified tax-preparation
Secretary’s note: Target has been known to pose seductively
TARGET #10 DAVEY (A1001608)
Stats: Neutered tan and white domestic short-hair, approximately two years old
Background: Stray
Special skills: Being almost as cool as a dog
Secretary’s note: Target comes with a $3,000 gift certificate to Best Buy*
*not true
As usual, no BARC Impossible mission could be achieved without the aid of BI Team Chief Photographer Robyn Arouty, whose skills brilliantly capture the targets’ essence.
This article appears in Oct 29 – Nov 4, 2009.
