Jesus & Wells Fargo: Thou Shalt Not Close My Checking Account

Our favorite self-proclaimed Second Coming of Jesus is vowing "retribution" against Wells Fargo for closing his checking account.

Houston's Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda, who claims hundreds of thousands of followers in 103 countries, says in a YouTube message to his flock that the bank inexplicably closed his account, but left his wife's open. (You can recognize his most serious followers by their "666" tattoos, as Miranda also claims he's the Antichrist).

Although Miranda claims that he will shed his human form in 544 days and has supernatural abilities, he appears to be powerless -- or at least concerned -- when it comes to certain earthly chores.

"How am I supposed to pay my bills if I don't have a checking account?" Miranda asks in the translated video. The tribulation was especially upsetting because, Miranda says, "I just finished designing some very nice checks."

His spokeswoman tells Hair Balls that Miranda isn't "physically warning that he will do something" to Wells Fargo. "What he's saying is that the angels take control and are the ones to manifest. He doesn't have to move a finger."

She also tells us that Wells Fargo definitely "made a mistake" by "daring to come up against the living god." (When asked, she said the account in question belonged to Miranda's ministry and was not his personal account).

Man -- first Jesus is nailed to a cross, then, 2,000 years later, he loses his checking account. It's like his bad luck never ends. Not that it's our place, but we think the Lamb of God might have better luck at a credit union.

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Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow