Sports Illustrated’s annual Swimsuit Issue hit
newsstands this week. The cover features model Brooklyn Decker, also known
as “Mrs. Andy Roddick.” That’s far from the only athlete connection in this
year’s issue, however, as several U.S. Olympians (skiers Lindsey Vonn and
Lacy Schnoor and snowboarders Hannah Teter and Clair Bidez) are also
featured sporting significantly less than the usual jackets and boots.
Vonn is the only one of the scantily-clad Oympians considered a favorite to
win any medals (downhill and super G), and has already courted faux controversy thanks to her pose on the
cover of SI’s Olympics preview. Neither she nor the others are
exactly breaking any taboos, of course. Last year’s issue showcased three
female tennis players in…seasonal attire, and other athletes have stripped
down to the equivalent of their unmentionable for this and other
magazines.
Whether Vonn’s cover is overly sexualized, as some have argued, it’s not
exactly out of the norm for Sports Illustrated. Women’s sports get
much less coverage than men’s and SI reflects — and helps
reinforce — that reality. To make the cover, a female athlete often must be
attractive as well as talented. The same can’t be said for the guys (just
telling it like it is, Tony
Siragusa fans). Not wanting to look discriminatory, SI has also
included athletes’
wives, girlfriends,
and — in the latest issue anyway — whoever a particular athlete was
partnered with on Dancing With the Stars.
So is any of this really a big deal?
I mean, I personally think it’s a bit
of a shame that athletes who are arguably the best in their sport (like
Vonn) feel like they need to show a little T&A to heighten their profile, or
whatever. Then again, these are professional adults; they’re not being
Roofied at the bus station and strung out on smack like porn actresses. If
Teter and Schnoor want to put a little coin in their pocket by making
middle-aged guys pitch a tent (presumably the only ones still getting their jollies from
something as delightfully archaic as the Swimsuit Issue), where’s the harm?
I suppose you could argue such actions tend to trivialize a female athlete’s
future performance (I’m thinking of Danica Patrick’s omnipresent GoDaddy
commercials). Then again, at least in Patrick’s case, you could also
argue the future isn’t all that bright ot begin with. One thing is certain,
it’s time to level the playing field.
At Pop Rocks, we’re all about equality in humiliation. That’s why I propose
that all athletes, male or female, should be required to strip down for a
Sports Illustrated photo shoot as soon as they turn pro. And I’m
not talking about those wimpy pics that male athletes have taken where
they’re shirtless: shirtless is for pansies. When I say “strip down,” I mean
bra and panties (for women) and thong underwear (or body paint) for men.
Let’s get some ass cheeks out there and leave nothing to the imagination
pelvically. Fair’s fair, goddamnit.
I plan to take this bold crusade to the people. Only then can we achieve
near-nude equilibrium and put an end to the tyranny of print magazines.
Or it might just get me committed. Either way, at least I’ll be out of the
house.
This article appears in Feb 11-17, 2010.
