For those of you who think Governor Rick Perry has been just laying about in that taxpayer-funded temporary mansion, eating bon-bons with The Nuge, think again: the Associated Press has confirmed that he’s working on a book called Fed Up, apparently about his frustration with that mean old intrusive federal government, which wanted to give Texas a bunch of stimulus money. The gall!
Per the story, the book is due to be released by Little, Brown and Company in the fall. But only Hair Balls has seen an early rough draft of the book (the State Board of Education has to make sure it contains enough references to intelligent design and The Honorable Senator Joseph McCarthy before it meets Texas literary standards), and we’d like to share some of the more exciting passages:
from the introduction: “One of the reasons I’ve been the governor for the past 48 years is because the great people of this great nation-state like my no-nonsense approach. Unlike the elite bluebloods who control too much of the federal government, I’m just a humble Texan, through-and-through.
See, down here in Texas, we have a certain way of doing things that doesn’t always make sense to all those fancy-boys in D.C. Down here in Texas, we don’t need eight bathrooms in our $10,000-a-month mansion. Seven will do just fine, thank you very much. And since I work for the people of Texas, I’m usually holed up in my office, drafting important resolutions, I don’t need a big fancy house. No sir, just give me 6,386 square feet. That’s all Rick Perry needs, pal.
And you know, I don’t spend much time playing polo or croquet or any of those fancy country club sports. All I need is a heated pool, so I have a nice place to sit by while I read Food&Wine Magazine. And all I need is $1,000 in case there’s an emergency repair on my filtered ice machine. See, that’s how we do things down here in Texas. But you wouldn’t understand that, would you, Mr. Federal Government?”
from page 77, “…Anita brought me the phone, and I turned
off the blowdryer just long enough to tell the party on the other end —
a certain senior White House official who may or may not be a Muslim
— ‘No way, pal. Texas will secede before we bow down. Wait — what did
you say? What do you mean, ‘Thank God’?”
from page 148, “I must admit that sometimes even I, Rick
Perry, have moments of doubt. I remember one night, early on in my most
recent campaign, when I woke up in a panic, scaring Anita and The Nuge
half to death. ‘What’s wrong, Guv?’ they asked. I told them I had a
nightmare that all the prisons in Texas suddenly released millions of
married atheist homosexual illegal aliens who had been wrongfully
incarcerated, and they were pissed.
They were going to take over the
state, I told my worried bed-mates. “Sshhhh, don’t be silly,” The Nuge
said, while Anita slipped on the bristled hair-glove and gently caressed
my head. “That would never happen on your watch,’ they said. ‘What do
you think you are, a democrat?”
from page 182: “I looked over at Anita, who had whipped out
her cell phone and began texting her vote. ‘Who’d you go for?’ I asked
her. When she said, ‘Kriss Allen,’ my jaw about hit the floor. I thought
she and I were on the same page. The only contestant with any real
talent had been that Lambert kid. The second he came on stage for the
first time, I got this weird tingling sensation. And I knew right away
that he was the one.”
We’d like to share more, but we don’t want to give away the ending.
You’ll just have to wait until fall to get the full view into Perry’s
amazing head.
This article appears in May 20-26, 2010.
