Here’s a scoop: Facebook is having an IPO today. This under-the-radar stock sale will make billions for investors.
Although everyone is keeping things on the down-low, the IPO means — I’m guessing here, Wall Street is really not my forte — that you can buy a share of Facebook stock, currently trading at about $40.
I’ve considered carefully the idea of doing so, and — sorry, Mark Zuckerberg — I must respectfully decline. The investment opportunity just doesn’t feel right to me at the moment.
My ten reasons why:
10. I have discovered that even if I bought a share, I would not really have much of a say in the company. Zuckerberg will have 56 percent of the voting shares. If I can’t push through a vote on banning FarmVille, what’s the point?
9. Today’s Houston Press Voice Daily Deal is $37 to participate in the military-style obstacle-course 5K Rebel Race on June 9. I have a couple of weeks to get in shape for it, so that’s a better use of my money.
8. Apparently stock prices can go down as well as up. If I pay 40 bucks for a share today and Tuesday it’s selling at $33, that’s one less Minute Maid Park beer for me. Have you tried watching the Astros sober lately?
7. I don’t like the new timeline thing.
6. I’m still bitter about my investment in the Prodigy IPO.
5. Truth be told, I tried to watch The Social Network, but the combination of standard Aaron Sorkin rapid-fire arch dialogue and Jesse Eisenberg got the better of me. Something about that guy bugs me.
4. I can’t get to an ATM right now. I assume you’re only taking cash.
3. MySpace was big once, too. Sic transit gloria and all that.
2. I prefer not to associate with a bunch of one-percenters.
1. I’m pretty sure you’re blasting all my personal information all over the net, but I can’t be bothered to learn the intricate process for getting you to stop that.
So what can I say? Sorry, Zuckerberg. You’re on your own with this one.
Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.
This article appears in May 17-23, 2012.