The Ballad of Roger Clemens, a.k.a. Rocket Raccoon

I dedicate this song to my friend Frank, who gave me the idea. And I do so with all apologies to Paul McCartney and the rest of the band.

“Rocket Raccoon” (sung to the tune of “Rocky Raccoon“)

Now somewhere in the bright shining rays of Florida
There visited the pitcher Rocket Clemens
And one night this woman ran around into his bar
Hit our Rocket in the balls
Rocket really liked that
He said I’m gonna win this young lady
So one night he walked into town
Found himself a table in that local saloon.

Then Rocket Clemens, took her to his room
Only to find Gideon’s Bible
Rocket had come equipped with a boner
To shoot between the legs of his lady
The young lady it seems had captured his dreams
By becoming the girl of his fancy.
Her name was McCready, and she called herself Mindy
But everyone knew her as jailbait
Now Mindy you see was still only fifteen
But was there on the bed in his room now
Rocket broke down stopped grinning his grin
He said Mindy gal this sex it can’t go down
But Mindy was hot, drew her legs apart
And Rocket collapsed on the floor now.

Now Brian McNamee came in with Jose Canseco
And proceeded to pull Rocket away
He said Rocket she’s underage
And Rocket said, but Mac, she looks of ripe age
But it’ll be better it’ll be better Mac as soon as she’s legal.

Now Rocket Clemens he fell back in his room
Only to find Gideon’s Bible
A Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt
To help with good Rocket’s revival.

— John Royal