Got 10 minutes and a desire to let city officials know how you sort of feel, in a vague-ish way? The 2009 Survey of Houston Citizens is out, and despite its length (around 100 questions, depending on how many sub-questions you get), we’re not sure how much useful information it’ll yield.
The response scale ranges from “very dissatisfied” to, you guessed it, “very satisfied,” with the ever-handy options of don’t know (“don’t know”) and don’t care (“neither satisfied nor dissatisfied,” la-de-da) thrown in.
But the city will have to figure out on its own why you’re dissatisfied yet not very dissatisfied with the overall enforcement of city codes and ordinances. It seems more in-depth information — via a comment field with a reasonable character limit, for example — would help solve the city’s most pressing problems vis-à-vis the survey. But who wants to read that shit, right?
Hair Balls did its civic duty and took the survey. Because we’re helpful, here are some suggested additional answer options for specific topics. We think making these choices available would lead to more accurate results, since actual elucidation is apparently out of the question:
Overall ability to attract national and international businesses:
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) I was unaware that only New York is home to more Fortune 500 companies than Houston, which is why I’m not choosing ‘very satisfied’ right this second
Level of zoning within the City
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) I’m poor and can’t afford to run off bumper stickers to slap on my non-existent SUV if I should have an issue with zoning, so it really doesn’t matter what the fuck I put here
Other City recreation programs, such as classes, trips…
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) I am not yet 80 years of age
Response time for Houston Police Department to respond to emergencies
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) Excellent, provided rape at knife-point lasts more than 45 minutes
Quality of animal control
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) Not enough animals are dying mercilessly to satisfy my primitive bloodlust
Overall removal of graffiti — drawings, slogans, words, and so forth that are scratched, scribbled, drawn, or painted — often crudely — on a wall or other public property)
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) It’s a disgrace that hoodlums get away with vandalizing our fair city’s bountiful strip-malls, adult modeling studios, abandoned hotel buildings and vacant storefronts — we need to eliminate that graffiti and replace it with giant presidential heads
Overall quality of the City’s drinking water
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) Preferable to drinking my own urine, though slightly more dangerous
Overall level of satisfaction with the City’s library facilities
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) Don’t know about the book collections, but generally pleased with the quality of Internet pornography
Safety of lighted City parks at night
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) As a knife-wielding rapist, I feel more at home in un-lighted parks
Enforcing the clean up of litter and debris on private property
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) Snitches get stitches
Overall image of the City
a) Very satisfied
b) Satisfied
c) Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied
d) Very dissatisfied
e) Don’t know
f) Wait, which image do you mean — the corruption, pollution, traffic, anti-intellectualism, terrible education system or lack of decent public transportation? Either way, those are all pretty awesome
This article appears in Jun 18-24, 2009.
