Top Ten Hurricane Tips

With Tropical Storm Edouard scheduled to make landfall Tuesday morning, we at the Houston Press want to make sure everyone takes the necessary precautions. Although hurricane preparedness lists are available elsewhere, some are woefully lacking. Keep these tips in mind for maximum safety.

1. Siphon as much gas as possible from neighbors’ vehicles. (Not applicable for neighbors of Joe Horn).

2. Make sure you have plenty of canned goods. These can be used to build cool forts.

3. Even though he’s retired, make sure you have Dr. Neil Frank’s number in your cell.

4. If you live with any senior citizens, get rid of them. They’re dead weight.

5. Remove all loose objects from the backyard and put them in the front yard.

6. Fill your bathtub with water for cleaning and make sure to have at least one gallon of drinking water per person per day. (Note: if this is not possible, substitute water with malt liquor)

7. Make sure to have at least one of the following: can opener, flashlight, battery-operated radio, cell phone, first aid kit, Mr. Potato Head, sleeping bag, lighter, blanket, enormous sombrero, tool kit, hand sanitizer, Chia Pet, toilet paper, crowbar, 1992 Topps Brad Ausmus rookie card, utility knife, ice chest, steely glint of determination.

8. Replace usual coffee with Folger’s Crystals

9. Consult the Houston Press Night & Day section for a list of the week’s most exciting goings-on in art and entertainment.

10. Panic.

— Craig Malisow