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Lucky Houstonians got a real treat yesterday in the form of a postcard
from one Dave Wilson, which offered helpful advice about the coming
mayoral run-off. This isn’t the anti-gay Wilson’s first rodeo, as he
sent out another mailer last month, treating us to the alarming image of mayoral
candidate Annise Parker getting sworn in as City Controller with
longtime partner Kathy Hubbard.
This hard evidence that gays do exist
and were in fact living among us no doubt came as a shock to the two
or three folks visiting their big city relations from Dogpatch.
The new postcard aims higher (and by “higher” I mean “the heterosexual
terror gland”), leading off with the old reliable Edmund Burke quote
(“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people
to do nothing”), setting us up for what is sure to be some serious
straight talk.
First, of course, Wilson makes sure to point out he’s
only condemning the sin of homosexuality, not the individual. This is
good news for the individuals he subsequently smears.
The next passage exhorts us to champion the the God-approved union of
man and woman rather than “allow the radical homosexual activists
(with their out of state money) [to] elect a lesbian for Mayor.”
The
final passage, of course, reminds everyone (in bold) to vote for Gene
Locke.
My favorite part, however, is the flipside. Here, not only are
Houstonians reminded to “VOTE FOR TRADITIONAL FAMILY AND MARRIAGE,”
but the non-Wilson approved candidates are helpfully marked with an
asterisk denoting their apparent “homosexual lifestyle.”
Wilson’s a person about whom could charitably say not all his dogs
were barking, so I was prepared to chuck this latest rant in the
garbage. One key passage caught my eye, however:
Nothing is as important to the future of Houston and
our country as the protection of the Traditional Family.
And then it dawned on me: he’s right. Of all the problems facing the
future Mayor of Houston, there’s none so pressing as making sure Mom
and Dad can raise their 3.2 children without the threat of homo
aggression. Don’t believe me? Read on.
The Traditional Family Reduces Crime
Children that are a product of homes with a Biblically approved mother
and father never ever ever break the law. This is because they have
Divine as well as mortal retribution to fear for their acts, unlike
those godless homosexuals. This theory is easily proven when you take
a look at the prison system. Prisons are notorious for instances of
gay sex, which straight people are physically incapable of performing.
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The Traditional Family Stops Pollution
One might think the addition of more human beings to the planet, one
of the fortunate side effects of heterosexual union, would make it
more crowded and dirty. Patently untrue, for the more human beings we
add, the sooner we’ll run out of room and force God to get on with the
Rapture. After that, the only people left to worry about rising ocean
levels and heavy metals in the soil will be the Unsaved (Jews,
Muslims, gays, and Democrats), and they’ll have bigger problems to
worry about.
The Traditional Family Prevents Flooding
Believe it or not, meteorological phenomena don’t discriminate between
straight and queen. In the event of training thunderstorms, it seems
like the Traditional Family might, in fact, be advantageous. After
all, you can never have too many little hands filling sandbags to keep
the results of the Lord’s ineffable plan from seeping into the family
room.
The Traditional Family Improves Traffic
One can only assume a Friend of Dorothy wrote the HCTRA guidelines
governing High Occupancy Vehicle Lane access, as there currently
exists no proscription against two or more individuals of the same sex
riding together. Clearly the only option is to restrict HOV access to
cars containing one man and one woman (and however many kids they
have) or the hours of 8:00-8:30 p.m. on Wednesdays, which is when all the
gays are watching Glee.
The Traditional Family Eliminates Teen Pregnancy
While it is, in fact, impossible for homosexuals to have children
without the aid of Democrat adoption agencies and fertility
specialists, only TFs know the true spiritual joy of abstinence, which
has made it possible for Texas to triumphantly fall to #2 (behind
Mississippi) on the list of states with the highest teen pregnancy
rate (a mere 50% above the national average).
By the way, as of this writing, Locke has not directly responded to/
repudiated Wilson’s mailer.
This article appears in Dec 3-9, 2009.
