Dear Star Pizza...Is Wax Paper Really Too Much to Ask?

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Dear Star Pizza,

I want you to know that I am a longtime fan and admirer of your work. Hell, before I was peer-pressured into trying your food I didn't even like pizza at all, an unheard-of thing in a man of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles generation. The fact that picking up a pizza made you invincible in their video games didn't sell me on pizza, but you did.

Your whole-wheat crusts are so thick and wonderful, I like to pretend that they are the mountains surrounding a magical valley of cheese and incomparable sauce. My wife has honest-to-Allah sung songs in praise of the Joe's spinach and garlic pie, and I myself remain in awe of the meaty miracle that is the Ben's. There's nothing more awesome than eating all the mammalian representatives of Old MacDonald's farm at once. If someone managed to add venison sausage to it, I would vote for it in the next election.

In the past ten years I've lived in Clear Lake, Jersey Village, the Galleria area, Garden Oaks and Westchase. I happily have driven in to pick up pizza from you from all those places because it's worth the trip. Now that we've established that I love you dearly, I'm going to say this as gently as possible.

Stop putting that crappy ridged cardboard thing in the freakin' pizza box under the pizza. It. Is. The. Devil.

First of all, it does absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. I picked up a pizza once when you were out of them, and the grease didn't bleed through the box. It stayed right in the valley of magic cheese I mentioned earlier despite the 30-minute drive.

The real problem with this meaningless piece of paper is that it tastes terrible. Why do I know how it tastes? Because I've accidentally eaten yards of it, that's why. It slyly tears and sticks to the bottom of the crust, even when the pizza is fresh. When you're pulling a piece out of the refrigerator to enjoy for lunch the next day, it's even worse. Then the pizza and the paper have merged like some kind of horrible, Dr. Moreau foodstuff that is an unholy mixture of deliciousness and bitter packaging.

Have you considered wax paper? Seriously, Sam's Club sells it for an absurdly low price. It would do a much better job of preventing any possible grease seepage, which is why McDonald's uses it. Plus, it is specifically designed to keep the relationship between food and the stuff food comes in platonic. It is the unhinged-dad-with-a-shotgun of wrappings, ensuring through stern look and superior weaponry that your precious little pizza girl wears white to the wedding in your mouth.

I will happily bring some from home if you will promise to use it. Please do away with that abhorrent ridged paper thing and learn to love wax as I learned to love you.


Jef With One F

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