Sometimes a bar’s name alone doesn’t give a clue as to what it’s really like. What’s its niche? Who are the patrons? Is it cheap, expensive, pretentious or fancy? Is it a dive?
What a bar starts out as isn’t necessarily how it ends up, either. They evolve and acquire a personality shaped by patrons as much as by the employees. That got us thinking: what if Houston’s bars were named for how they really are now?
As the saying in the industry goes, please enjoy and remember, it’s all in good-natured fun.
13 Celsius: Getting Wine Professionals Wasted Since 2006
Anvil Bar & Refuge: Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful
Bad News Bar: Have You Accepted The Negroni As Your Personal Savior?
Bad News Bar (Depeche Mode Version): Have You Accepted The Negroni As Your Own Personal Jesus?
Big Star Bar: After You Spend All Your Money Downtown, We’ll Still Be Here Drinkin’
Camerata At Paulie’s: Where The 13 Celsius Staff Gets Drunk On Their Days Off
Cedar Creek: I Like My Kids, But I Also Like Booze
Cottonwood: The Romper Room
D&T Drive In: Because Drinking Beer In Your Own Back Yard Is For Losers
Dirt Bar: Drinking With The Stars
Double Trouble Caffeine & Cocktails: Uppers & Downers
360 Midtown (formerly Gaslamp): Free Profiling With Purchase Of Bottle Service
Grand Prize Bar: The REAL “Employees Only”
The Honeymoon: Uppers & Downers With A Sandwich
Houston Watch Co.: Hold My Old Fashioned And Watch This
Johnny’s Gold Brick: Don Draper Would Drink Here
Kirby Ice House: You’re Legal When We Say You Are
Kung Fu Saloon: Because Free “NBA Jam” is Worth Expensive Drinks and Overcrowding
La Carafe: We’ll Still Be Here After The Apocalypse
Ladybird’s: Any Place With Han Solo In Carbonite On The Door Couldn’t Possibly Be Bad
Lei Low: House of Booze Bowls
Leon’s Lounge: When You Wanna Pretend You Know Way More About Whiskey Than You Actually Do
Liberty Station: Helping Washington Avenue Suck Less Since 2010
Little Woodrow’s Midtown: Keeping Midtown Tolerable for More Than a Decade
Lola’s Depot: Come for the People Watching, Stay for the Cheap Booze
Lucky’s Pub: Keeping Houston Hammered When We’re Not Bailing Water
Maple Leaf Pub: You Can’t Have a Bad Time with Drunk Hockey Fans
Mongoose vs Cobra: Come For the Badass Taxidermy. Stay For the Drinks.
Moving Sidewalk: Uncle Alex’s Cocktails & Counseling
Neil’s Bahr: Revenge of the Nerds
The Nightingale Room: Proof that Downtown Is Starting To Not Suck
Notsuoh: We Actually Do Have Prince Albert In A Can—Somewhere.
OKRA Charity Saloon: I’m Drinking for a Good Cause; On That Note, I’ll Have Another
Petrol Station: It’s Called A “Bottle Share,” Not A “Drinking Problem”
Pimlico Irish Pub: I Want to Drink Good Whiskey, And I Want To Do So Alone
Poison Girl: You’re A Drunk Pinball Wizard, Harry!
Public Services Wine & Whisky: Grandma’s Living Room (Except Our Booze Hasn’t Been Sitting In A Cabinet For A Decade)
Reserve 101: Next On “Hoarders”: Whiskey
Richmond Arms Pub: A Real British Pub—Minus the Pretentiousness
Saint Dane’s Bar & Grille: Because I Like Drinking With My Dog Way More Than With My Friends
Shiloh Club: All The Weird And Cool Uncles Hang Out Here
Spare Key: Take The Slivovitz But Leave The Red Bull
Sunny’s: When You Work Downtown And Don’t Wanna Go Home
T-Bones Sports Pub: This is Exactly What A Bar Called T-Bones Should Look Like
Twin Peaks: We’re Not Sure What An Entendre Is, But We’ve Got A Couple Of Big Ones
Warren’s Inn: Did You Want A Drink Or What?
West Alabama Ice House: If That Cool Old Guy In Your Neighborhood Opened a Bar
Wooster’s Garden: I Feel Pretty. So Pretty.
This article appears in Jun 9-15, 2016.
