Break out the baskets and fake plastic grass that will likely one day make its way to the Great Pacific garbage patch, kids. It’s time to review the worst — and we do mean absolute worst — candy that’s hit the shelves for Easter 2017.
While pastel hasn’t looked so good since Miami Vice’s costume department got its hands on Don Johnson back in 1984, this year’s Easter candy crop is all about insipid sugar highs and questionable gimmicks. But don’t worry, candy companies aren’t afraid to take some risks in 2017. This year’s Easter candy is all about embracing the dark veil of unspoken emotions that often accompanies family-oriented holidays. Here you’ll find candies in the festive shades of depression black and browns ranging from terrifying winged-insect to poop emoji.
Behold the worst Easter candy of 2017.
Chocolate Coconut Nest
At some point in time, the Brach’s candy makers stopped turning out green coconut nests with actual jelly beans in them. I assume those old-school nests were just dyed white chocolate, and as a kid I often heard a loud warning of do not want do not want drumming on my skull before taking a bite of the fake bird habitat. Something about it was always too fussy, too much flavor.
In fact, the pared-down chocolate-covered nest does taste a bit like the Girl Scouts’ beloved Samoas cookie. But it’s just not the same sans jelly beans. It’s an empty nest, reminding one of what mother went through when you kids went off to college and left her. Why don’t you come visit, the chocolate nest calls. You kids are so mean to me.
Overall: Tastes of discontent and parental-induced guilt. Looks like your Doberman gobbled up a decent amount of grass before his evening walk.
Chocolate-Covered Peep
When you bite into it, if, say, you can bring yourself to do so, an unnatural yellow Peep blinds you as if staring directly into the sun. Do not look. Do not want.
Overall: Should rebrand as poop emoji candy.
Iddy Biddy Bunnies
These are chocolate bunnies so small that Russell Stover has deemed them downright iddy biddy. They come 50 to a package, much like bed bugs in a roadside mattress. In fact, sprinkling these insidious delicacies onto the sheets of an enemy’s bed would give quite the scare. Make sure to purchase several cases for future use.
Overall: Tastes of milk chocolate and impending regret.
Cadbury Mini Eggs
These sort of look like a cross between those malted eggs nobody except Mom wants to eat and the always stale Jordan almonds. They’re like a bland middle child who never gets any attention. Just plain old milk chocolate with a hard, pastel candy coating. Do these even exist?
Overall: Tastes like what Grandpa served when the Werther’s Originals ran out.
Brach’s Black Jelly Bird Eggs
Gather round, children, and I’ll tell you the story of the American mall goth. First there was a store called Hot Topic, a bedraggled tube of Wet n Wild black lipstick, a junker Geo Metro blasting Why Can’t I Be You? and an almost-empty pack of clove cigarettes. You can just skip the mall goth starter pack and feast on a mouthful of Brach’s black beauties instead. Tease your hair up Robert Smith style, let the ebony slobber ooze down your chin and tell your family you’re thinking of starting a dark wave band called Penguin Man. You are almost 18 and you are so out of here.
Overall: Tastes like absinthe; extraordinary in the presence of agitated, conservative elders.
Easter “Big Stuff” Bunny Lip Pops
It’s a lollipop designed to make your child look like a rabbit. But adults will not find it so cute, as the Mr. Big Stuff-size lollipop tastes of green apple death and makes your jaw open up, giving the appearance of a large Jay Leno chin if you’re attempting to take a selfie with cutesy bunny lips over your mouth. Better off just using a Snapchat filter.
Overall: Tastes like death by appletini.
Nerds Rope
Yes, let us break out the rope. Good idea on Easter, Nerds candy, or any time you’ll be exposed to your extended family for an entire day or weekend. This actually, physically, looks like the DNA strand for American obesity. The sticky red rope holding all those nerds together has the texture of rare flank steak. In the words of Ralph Wiggum, “tastes like burning.” Every child will love this.
Overall: Kill it with fire.
This article appears in Apr 7-12, 2017.
