George Lucas Announces Star Wars 3-D; More Beating the Dead "Force"

Move your head back and forth from the screen quickly.
Move your head back and forth from the screen quickly.

First, the good news: Lucasfilm is re-releasing the entire Star Wars saga in theaters ... drumroll ... in 3-D. The planned delivery date is around February 2012. The powerful wizards at the Lucas castle (Industrial Light and Magic) are confident they can "convert" the films into a 3-D experience. Apparently, things don't have to be filmed in 3-D in order to create a 3-D movie.

Everybody loves (or should love) the original Star Wars trilogy--if not all of them, you probably like at least one. But despite the general appreciation of episodes IV-VI, there's a virtually universal consensus that episodes I-III (the new ones) blew hard. So now for the bad news: Lucas will start with Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Why go in order now, Lucas? You made the last episodes first and we loved you for it, even enough to forgive you for making the first three later. Just forget about episodes I-III; they were mistakes--really expensive but profitable mistakes.

What would you rather watch in 3-D, Jar Jar Binks or the Death Star exploding? It's a shallow argument, but you get the idea. Episode III: Revenge of the Sith was the least crappy of the crappy three. So before it gets better, it's going to get worse.

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One day, everyone will be able to experience the magic of the original three films in a new way. Until then, there will be plenty of Jar Jar Binks and make-believing Ewan McGregor is Obi-Wan. (All will be forgiven when we finally get to experience the speeder scene on 3-D Endor.)

By the time the films are re-released, Lucas hopes we'll all own 3-D televisions. That way, he can sell us the 3-D DVDs. We bought it on VHS, we bought it on DVD, we'll buy it on Blu-Ray, but then we'll be ready to revisit it all over again in our 3-D wired futuristic homes. (This will be a few years in the future, so don't worry--you'll have a new futuristic job to pay for it all.)

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